Top Ten Things It Does Not Behoove A Young Girl To Know (But I Clearly Know)

Top Ten Things It Does Not Behoove A Young Girl To Know (But I Clearly Know)
'Cause knowing is half the battle!

10. Where Babies Come From- Common knowledge would implicate the stork, though recent observation sessions over local hospitals would suggest ambulances to be the culprits of babymaking, since storks are nowhere to be found.

9. What's in a Wonderball- It's just some chalky candy shaped like Disney (TM) characters, kids. Sorry. Oh, and if you shake the chocolate egg, it breaks. Like your little baby hearts. Somewhere, Vincent Price is laughing. Yes, Master. I have done well.

8. What Evil Lurks in the Heart of Men-The Shadow would like to believe (or would like YOU to believe) that only he knows. Really, it's common knowledge. It's in the public domain and everything, since you know, that whole original sin episode was...about two thousand years ago, if the Christians are correct. Clearly women are the evil that lurks in the heart of men, since their other notorious heart-lurker, Halo 2, is completely pure and virtuous. Some day, I'll get the dirt on that damned game. Who'll be be polishing its Medal of Chastity, then, EH?!?! Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

7. If God Only Knows How I Feel About You-If that rat bastard knew anything, he'd have given me those cheat codes I've been praying for. But no. So clearly, god does not, REPEAT, DOES NOT, know how I feel about you. Wait. How you feel about me? Well, God knows nobody's feelings. If he did, he'd have sent me ways to pwn. I only wished to serve. But the allure of the Dark Side was too strong...

6. The Way To San Jose-Go West, Young Man!

5. The Words to "Inna-Godda-Da-Vida"-Well, there's some moaning, and some inebriation, and some mumbling. Got that? Well, then, add in some guitar that sounds like a motorcycle revving, and also some Garden of Eden Imagery (hearkening back to what evil lurks in the hearts of men, which now you know, kiddees, [puts on her robe, wizard hat, and mild-mannered schoolteacher outfit.])

4. How to Cut A Caper- The most widely-accepted way to trim this elegant little pickled whosit, is to use a large machete, or failing that, an Elephant-hunting rifle and just blast the thing to Beelzebub. Of if you're an obscure Shakespearean down-at-heel jackanapes, the Macarena would suffice. One-and-a-two-and-a-three-Macarena...

3. Who Wrote the Book of Love-It was me! (It was I?) It was grammatically corect either way!

2. A Place Where We Can Go To Be Alone-Three syllables, kids. Ca-dil-ac. Failing that, the ice planet Hoth.

1. That Giving Yourself to Me Can Never Be Wrong (If The Love Is True)-Ooooh, let's get it on. Oh, Marvin. You contradict your surname whenever I listen to this song. Then again, the Gaye among us could also be wooed by the melt-inducing Marvin just as well as the heteros. Forgive my closemindedness, I mean no harm. At least, not now. Not here. Not yet.


So, dear readers, another entry, done by me. I was just writing this as a reaction to something that my grandmother said on the phone earlier. She'd been being prissy about my current lifestyle, saying that whatever she thinks I'm doing (stripping? selling myself to Saudis? Becoming a bounty hunting Saudi-selling strip-o-matic robot?) does not well behoove a young girl to do. I like this verb- behoove. And thusly- a blog. Of course, my grandmother is an incredibly badass dame, and so I took her shamemaking comments like a man, since I love her, and wouldn't want to blow her mind by admitting that college hasn't left me a completely debauched Dorian Grey shell of a person. Rather the opposite has occurred, in reality. Thank you, college, mellow-out-er of humans. And thusly, good night.

Also, I am writing this to grant myself absolution from tomorrow's blog, since tomorrow is today, and also yesterday's future, and love is real, real is love. But at any rate, I have to unpack, and may be devoid of verbage tomorrow, so I give you my words TONIGHT. In double-dose form. Those with weak hearts may OD. But it's okay- thems with the adrenaline syringes will be standing by to help yous.

DG, out.