My other specialty: Insomnia!

Ok this one is going to be somewhat short because frankly I'm just writing it on a whim and there's nobody reading this anyway. So while I'm at completely self-indulgent listing, I might as well not make it a chore to do. If anyone is reading this then I apologize to you for the shoddy work but secretly care very little about what you think. Then again I lie a lot, and since I just stated that I don't care about what you think, I'm clearly trying to build an image of myself in your head as an independent and self-affirming person, which implies that I need you to hold this image of me which implies that said image is therefore not true. Still, I will assure you that this image is true because it's what I need you to think to feed my ravenous and frail ego. Or maybe it's four o'clock in the morning and I'm on another no-sleep bender and just rambling. YOU DECIDE!

Anyway that brings me to the true purpose of this entire post, another LIST! YAAAAAYY!! Today I will be regaling you with the top 10 things to do when you can't sleep, some of these I have done and some I would never admit to having done, and some I have only contemplated doing, but hope to one day do. None of these will be out of the real of possible doing. For instance I will not put "Create a cocoon out of newspaper and human saliva, sleep in it for a month and emerge a beautiful insect abomination" because it just can't be done and frankly would take alot of time and bodily fluids. Ok then, enough ranting. This is already longer than I expected it to be. Without further ado, and in no particular order, 10 things to do when you can't sleep.

1. Be Naked - The reason I'm listing this option first and foremost is because it is really a blanket option. Any of the following suggestions can be done with this suggestion in action. In fact, I would in almost every case recommend taking this suggestion as sort of the "prime suggestion" of this whole list. When the world is asleep and you are not, you should feel comfortable enough with yourself to be completely nude. Not only can this be a totally liberating feeling, but it also creates great conversation when you accidentally run into a fellow insomniac. Hell the conversations can be downright life changing if the other insomniac also follows this rule. People who can't be naked and comfortable around themselves sort of confuse me. Who are you hiding from? If it wasn't for decency laws I wouldn't give a shit about clothes, but as is, I use my nocturnal propensities to get it out of my system.

2. Meet People on the Internet- Now I know what many of you might be saying at this suggestion. "But GLM, I do that during the day! The internet is for making contact with the world!" But here's where you make it different. In the middle of the night, at the most ungodly of ungodly hours, people from all over the world, from different continents and countries will be online. This is your chance to fuck with them. They will never know who you are and chances are they won't even be online and chatting at the same time you are again, so here's what you do. Set up elaborate performances in chat rooms. Duck in as a certain name and explain how you're running from authorities, leave the chat room and then duck in as an innocent bystander who's just casually wondering where your first name went. Set up a huge elaborate drama that is clearly made up just to entertain or annoy the others online around you. Another great way to entertain yourself is a site called Omegl where you are randomly connected to another chatter with no names or any sort of choice involved. Once on this site, alternate between having deep philosophical conversations with the other person and yelling "DICKS! LOL!" and signing off. This keeps the internet a place full of flavor and culture.

3. Mastur...err, Read Webcomics- See my previous post for details on how to consume hundreds of sleepless hours with shit tons of mindless internet drivel called "Webcomics" I do it all the time and it has enriched my life.

4. Pretend to Drunk Dial/Text People- This is a great way to pass a few hours and it actually sets you up for continued entertainment in the morning since most of the people you try to contact will probably be asleep when you try and contact them. This definitely works best on heavy drinking nights, because then you can get away with saying ANYTHING and people will be like "Oh that crazy drunkard." This is an especially fun technique to use on people who are in your phone book but you barely know, or people you've totally lost contact with. It's also a great way to build yourself a reputation as an alcoholic which can also lead to hilarious results. Hell, this works on weekdays too, but then you have to make up some excuse when the person asks you the next day "Hey man, why were you wasted on a Tuesday night at 4 in the morning?" My stock reply to this is just arching an eyebrow and denying anything. There's also the option of actually getting drunk and just dropping the "pretend" from the initial line of this suggestion.

5. Stream of Consciousness Writing - This may sound boring compared to some of my other suggestions up here, but it can get really entertaining if you can manage to keep it up past the point of being able to read a whole sentence at a time. Now as much as I hate writing things by hand, I recommend not using a computer for this little bit because it's so easy to accidentally close it without saving it or just forget to open the file the next morning. The joy of this little trick is waking up the next morning and reading the little crumpled up piece of paper next to your bad and thinking "What the fuck was I thinking?" Even if you start out eloquent and philosophical when you realize that you can't sleep, as the night plods on minute by minute and your pseudo-intellectual ramblings break down you will discover the true piles of shit that flow around in your brain as your system shuts down, and trust me it's more interesting and entertaining than any pop-philosophy bullshit you expect yourself to think about in your sleepless hours. Hell I woke up one morning to find I had written an entire stand up routine on a paper towel next to my bed. I couldn't read half of the jokes because my handwriting broke down near the end, and the ones I could read were total crap, but it brought me a lot of insight about what I find funny when only half my brain is functioning. It also made me realize that sleepy GLM seems to hate the Scottish and yet grudgingly respect them. But that's a subject for another post.

6. Go Outside, Swallow Silence - People complain about how the world is never quiet anymore and how our lies are all wrapped up in hustle and bustle and lights and sirens and shit. They're right, but they also fail to go outside often enough at four in the morning. It's amazing how serene and peaceful the world seems when everything in it is dormant except you. The darkness creates a world that is entirely alien and, at least to me, immensely comforting. I find when I am at my most stressed and unhappy times, going outside and just wandering through the night for hours can be an extremely calming experience. This suggestion is particularly well suited to work with suggestion one, although I recommend doing it somewhere where you are unlikely to run into security guards or police of any sort. It's also fun sometimes to break the silence of nature and just scream things. In the past I have broken into Broadway musicals, quoted Shakespeare, and just yelled as hard as I could.

7. Invent New Snacks- This works especially well if you live somewhere that is understocked in the way of snack foods, but can work anywhere as long as you're willing to put some effort and creativity into it. Take out a shit-ton of foodstuffs, pick things that taste good, but wouldn't taste good together (or so you think) and just combine them until you feel like you have something worth jamming into your face and grinding into a soft paste so that your body can extract any useful nutrients, cycle the remaining waste through your system, and then revitalize the earth in the great circle of life. (Insert Lion King music) My most successful inventions from this sort of experimentation have been uncooked Ramen noodles in peanut butter, and a combination of ground up M&Ms, sour cream, and Fritos. And before anyone says anything, fuck you guys, it was delicious.

8. Wikipedia Surf - I know everyone's wikipedia surfed in the day when they were supposed to be doing a project or researching for a paper, but at night, the process can be taken to a whole new level. Look for things that make you uncomfortable, things that make you angry, or things that just seem plain weird. Sexual positions, the history of necrophilia, gnostic gospels and the mating habits of sheepfish, all are fair game. And what's really important is that no matter where you start, don't feel you need to finish an article if a more interesting link presents itself. Push any and every button that gets in your way and listen to every little sound clip or quote that pops up no matter what. This will help to accumulate whole reams of entirely useless esoterica, and has probably contributed more to my stocks of trivia than all my years of schooling.

9. Create in Whatever Way Pleases You - For me, this option most usually expresses itself through video editing. If you look at almost any of the videos I've edited, I can assure you it was probably done between 2 and 4 in the morning. I feel like sometimes when you can't sleep it's because you feel like you haven't finished the day, and by making something new and uniquely you, it brings a lot of closure and peace to the whole thing. Of course if doesn't have to be video editing. Paint, write, take pictures, make little clay models or arrange your furniture. Just do whatever you feel you need to do to express yourself. Now of course having done this many times myself, I should warn you to always look over anything you do later when you're more awake to see if it's total crap or not. I mean realistically I probably won't do that for this post, but I'm pretty much a pro at being awake. It's what I do.

10. Start Driving a Taxi Part Time to Make a Little Extra Money, See the World in a Dark and Twisted Manner, Despise all the Inhabitants of Said World. Stalk Women, Watch Porn, and Eventually Spiral Downward into a Psychotic and Violent Obsession, Culminating in the Violent Murder of Several Pimps and Gangsters in a Misguided Attempt to Save the Life of a 14 Year-Old Hooker. - I think this one really speaks for itself. And if you don't get it, I'm sad for you

Anyway, that's it for my super short post in the middle of the night which actually ended up being just as long as the last one. I'm a little disappointed with it myself actually, I'm sue there are more interesting suggestions I just can't think of at the moment. I don't know why any of you are even reading this drivel anyway, so maybe you deserve sub-par work. I almost put blogging as something to do when you can't sleep, but I decided it was too obviously a self-referential joke. God I'm clever. Don't you think I'm clever? Yeah me too. Sleep well.

God'sLonelyMan out.