This Paranoia Is Distressing

So, whilst I'm here, having a minispaz about having left a certain person a certain large distance away, especially after a certain incident, I've decided to milk my other-woman paranoia into pasteurized, 2%, oreo-cookie-dippable form- A Top Ten List.


Top Ten Best Things to Come out of Being Cheated On

10) "Run For Your Life"-The Beatles-This ridiculously catchy song is actually about how if Paul McCartney finds his woman with another man, he will kill her, so she'd better make like an ostrich and bury her head. Does the fact that I really enjoyed this song as a child say anything about me?

9) "Hit 'Em Up In Style"-Blu Cantrell- So, this is indirectly about infidelity, but this woman (sung in super-haute-intellectual form by Blu Cantrell) gets cheated on, and so takes herself to Nieman Marcus. A veritable parable and example for us all, ladies.


8) "Cecilia" -Simon and Garfunkel -So, not only does this dude get cheated on, but he WALKS IN ON IT. My confidence'd be shaken, not stirred, too, if this were to happen. What really gets me is that Cecilia managed to find a new man in under five minutes (he just got up mid-sex to wash his face, and there was a dude in his spot. Literally.) She must either be a siren of the first water, or else have a Man-dispenser stashed under the bed.


7) "Closer"-Patrick Marber-This play is a four-person web of lying, cheating, intrigue, heartbreak, and getting hit by cars. Moral of the story: A four year relationship with Jude Law whilst also being a stripper is a bad idea. Also, don't cheat on Julia Roberts.


6) "Chicago"-Kander and Ebb- The song that most people come out of this musical humming is the incredibly catchy (and really sexy, if you're into scantily-clad jailbird mistresses of Darkness...) number "Cell Block Tango" in which all the superhot death-row denizens vindicate their murderin' ways with DUDEULAR INFIDELITY. Seriously, menfolks. If your lady has a knife and knows how to use same, don't cheat. You'll just be a momentary nod in a song best known among wannabe-Lolita twelve year olds.


5) "Your Cheatin' Heart"-Hank Williams- Possibly the archetypical country song, this classic country track is the quintessential last word to any cheater. Hank hopes your cheating heart gives you all the grief your victims never could, and trust me, old-timey country stars have a lot of grief inside them.


4) "Challengers" -The New Pornographers- Internet, I have a confession. I idolize the red-tressed, wailing Force of Nature that is Neko Case. However, this song puts me over the edge whenever I get to listenin' to more than just the banjo and her yowl. "You live with someone, I live with somebody too. Leave them there?!?!" Really, Neko. Really. Points off.


3) "Cheating on You"- Franz Ferdinand- Another great song by an artist I swoon after. However, once again, Kapranos, the juicy Franz frontman turns down what he acknowledges to be love so that he can passive-aggressively dump his girlfriend by cheating on her. Such an attractive scumbag, though....

2) "Madama Butterfly"- Puccini-Cio-Cio San, Pinkerton was corkboarding some American butterfly the whole time!

1) "Othello"- Shakespeare- This is the quintessential portrait of infidelity. Admittedly, the party you'd expect to be unfaithful isn't, but one could argue that in his pseudomarriage to Iago, and the subsequent "monstrous birth" of Othello's suspicions, Othello is cheating on Desdemona with both Iago and with the idea that Desdemona herself is being unfaithful. Or I could be full of Liberal Arts Bullshit, and be half-remembering a really cool idea I had during Shakespeare II last semester. Your call, readers.


Well, this was cathartic. While I was schadenfreuding, I totally forgot my own paranoia. Thanks, lists!
DG, out.