Hello again everybody! I'm quickly falling behind in blog frequency next to my two extremely enthusiastic colleagues, and since I'd hate to deprive our ravenous masses of mindlessly devoted fans of one moment of my faux-intellectual ramblings, I decided to cave into peer pressure like the sheep I am and churn out another list. This is one that I've actually been toying around with for quite some time, as the combination of morbid and comedic is sort of the baseline for my creative process. Yes ladies and gentlemen, (hahaha none of us are really that classy) I am talking about post-mortem plans.
Everyone has the discussion at one point about what they want to do with their bodies after they die. Some people are serious and unoriginal and want to be buried where they can rot next to their loved ones. Awwww how sweet but totally boring. On the other hand, I've heard many people, mostly nerds who think they're individualistic, declare to me and a group of people pretending to be their friends that they want "A full viking funeral! I want to be set on fire in a boat and set out to sea!" After which each of these aforementioned dorks will puff up their chests and wait for the positive feedback from their mindlessly supportive friends. I, being just as much of a social lemming as the rest of them, will reply with a short "hur hur yeah dat'd be awesome. Yur so kool fur wanding to do somding unconvendshonal!" But in my mind I'm secretly lumping them together with other people I now consider to be mindlessly boring parrots of the better ideas of others. Don't worry, you're probably not one of those people! (j/k!) Anyway, my plans are a liiiiittle different.
Now I hear a lot of people talk about having "Bucketlists" of things they want to do before they die, and yeah sure, if you want you can be like every other "Jimmy Loves-Life" and try and live life to the fullest if that's your thing, but personally I have other plans. I intend on living a largely meaningless and hedonistic life until I'm about... Oh lets say 37. Then I intend on dying from completely unnatural causes and letting the REAL fun begin. Yes that's right, my list is entirely of things I want to do AFTER I die! So without further ado
Top Ten Things I Want To Do After I'm Dead (a.k.a. The Kicked-The-Bucketlist)
1. Go Bungee Jumping - I include this one first because it is such a popular item on most peoples' "Before I Die" list, and I think it illustrates well how my list is different from theirs. See, I don't want to just have my body tied to a bungee and thrown off a bridge as this might suggest. No, I want my body tied to a bungee cord and tossed off the top of a building calculated just correctly so that the end of the fall will be just seven feet off the ground, and I want this done in the most crowded place possible. Now for this to work correctly, not only do I have to be dead, but I also have to have decayed considerably, because in the split second that people see the human remains plummeting toward their unsuspecting heads, I want them to be pelted with a light rain of green flesh and dislodged teeth, and a stench that will haunt their nightmares for years to come. Now I don't actually want to do this to be malicious, I want to do this because it would be equal parts hilarious and EXTREME! I think it should be video taped and then mailed simultaneously to both America's Funniest Videos and whatever über-masculine video submission show Spike TV is pumping out at my time of death. In fact, just to make this even cooler, I give whoever arranges this whole thing the go-ahead to light my body on fire first. Sure it's desecration of my own corpse, but I'm willing to take it for the sake of my legacy.
2. Throw A Surprise Funeral - Now this one actually has a few parts to it, because the at first none of the people involved should know what's going on. Now I'm not intending on killing myself, so most of this will have to be arranged by whoever finds my body with the intricate post-death requests tattooed on my back. Firstly, everyone I know would be invited to a huge party with some sort of over the top theme. Ostensibly this would be a surprise party for me, but the real purpose would just to get everyone together for the big reveal! Drinks, food, and most importantly a giant multi-layered cake would be gathered for the event, and everyone would eat and be marry all night long. My coordinator would finally tell them after an hour or so of waiting that "I was going to be late, and that they should just start eating the cake!" which would cause the whole crowd to go over towards the cake and begin to eat. At this point the band would break out into a loud rendition of "Carry on Wayward Son" and a trigger would go off, launching my dead body from it's hiding place inside the cake into the waiting arms of my friends and family! Shock, pain, loss, and COMEDY GOLD! Also it would be in my will as a final request that they finish the cake despite the circumstances, because people tend to do whatever dead people wanted them to do.
3. The Reverse Orphan - Ok, you know movies where someone leaves a baby on the doorstep of a nice house and then flees into the night, never to be heard from again, but leaves a note on the basket that says "Please take care of my little Grimply-Poo" Or whatever? Well this is like this, but I want my body to be left curled in the fetal position on the doorstep of a stranger, dressed up as a baby, with a note that says "We can no longer afford to feed this poor soul, but we hope you will find a place in your heart for him." Now just to make this plan even better, the next part would involve watching what the people do with the body. My guess would be that they get it taken away somehow. It would then be the job of whoever wants to inherit my doubtlessly vast sum of money to re-acquire the body and repeat the process on the same doorstep until the people treat me with the respect I deserve and take me into their family! Really mostly though I just think the reaction of finding a body and a note on your doorstep would be classic, and really I'd be doing them a service, because it would make for a great party story, and you can't buy those.
4. The "We Have Your Daughter" - This one is in a way similar to the Reverse Orphan in that it involves strangers, but is really much broader in it's scope of usefulness and possible creativity. Basically, after death, I would have my body cut into many many tiny little pieces and mailed to different people with varying letters attached. For my fingers, each of them will be mailed to a rich family kidnapper-style with a note along the lines of "We have your daughter! Send us 1 million dollars or we will kill her!" With my finger in the envelope for proof. Many of the other messages would be puns or romantic plots. For instance, if I have sons, I'll mail my ears to their girlfriends, because nothing says "You're my absolute favorite prostitute" like an ear in the mail. I'd mail my feet to friends with a note that says "Guess who's six feet under?" and a catchy hallmark card with a puppy. My head I'd mail to one of my teachers from middle or high school with a note saying "who said I'd never get ahead in life?!" This would be written on a "Happy Father's Day" card just to confuse them. I'd probably leave it up to my closest friends to think of funny ways to mail the other parts around. Or probably not. I have many years to plan this out.
5. Be Sour-Cremated - For this idea, basically it would start out as the standard cremation of the body, so in that way it's not that different from the normal joe schmoe's funeral, but after that the real fun would begin. I would want my ashes smuggled out of their little urn, and slipped bit by bit into the stomachs of taco bell customers through a special "extra topping" on their tacos which one of my children will have to put there. Now in order for this to work, I will have to train one of my many future children to believe that they will never be competent enough to succeed at anything but fast food distribution through a slow process of passive aggressive self-esteem destruction and a series of offhanded comments degrading their competence and physical looks/ability. This could very well ruin their entire life if done correctly, but one life would be worth allowing me to have one final effect on the lives of everyone around me. I would rejoin the circle of life as god intended it. (Insert Lion King Music here) Also help cause indigestion, which they probably deserve for eating at taco-bell.
6. The Carnival of Death! - For this one, I would simply find a theme park with a large enough ferris wheel, and pay them a few million dollars (I will have copious amounts of money when I die) to just let my corpse go around and around on the ferris wheel for... let's say a month. Actually, on second though, I'd do the exact same thing, but on an awesome roller coaster somewhere. Hell, I'll set it up so that an employee is payed each day to move my body to a new ride and just let it cycle around for a good long while. I really think that it would add a lot of flavor to the rides if little children getting on could see what appears to be someone who has just died sitting in the seat in front of them. Their parents who probably don't feel like getting their stomachs churned around after they've stuffed their faces with fried Twinkies and chicken, can just tell them, "Oh look, this ride KILLED a man!" You don't want to get on a ride that will kill you do you? Also the photo booth at the end of the line would be hilarious, always having one picture of a car full of freaked out kids and a dead man. I bet those would sell like hotcakes. Hell I'd probably be making money for the park. They should pay me for this idea!
7. Wish You A Marry Christmas - This one's really simple and doesn't really require much explanation. Basically I'd like my body dressed up like Santa Claus and stuffed in a chimney. Then the idea would be to arrange for a news team to pull my body out of the chimney on national television and declare to the world that "Santa Claus is dead" and then leave a note suggesting that since Christmas has been canceled forevermore, any child with half a brain should convert to Judaism or suffer no presents forevermore!I would also make sure that there were the remains of reindeer on the roof of the house. This would probably go over best around Christmas, but would probably be just as effective about a month afterwords. I like the idea that people will assume I've been there for a while.
8. Bring Joy To Children - To counterbalance the childhoods I'd be ruining with that last one, I'd also like to initiate a plan where my body is autopsied and all my organs removed and replaced with huge amounts of candy. I'd then be sewn back together, bursting at the seam with delicious treats just waiting to bring a twinkle to the eyes of larval men and women, salavating at the mere thought of my luscuous sugary treasures. My body would then be tossed out into the street, allowing it to pop and spray my tantelizing innards everywhere to be gobbled up by the eager hands and mouths of the greatful imps that frolic and prance in sugar-induced highs rivaling the legendary glucose benders of yore, and which from that point on, would only be spoken of in hushed wispers along with other such legends such as "The Big Rock Candy Mountain." This plan would also drive home my life-long hatred of diabetics. (not really guys!)
9. Be An Abomination Against God - I don't know if Frankenstein would actually work, but I'd love to be involved with something in the same vein. Maybe realistically I could just have my body sewn around a metallic skeleton which could then be mobilized by a series of pumps and levers to give it a lifelike appearance. I'd be sort of like a man-made zombie which would be ridiculously cool. Ideally, the new reanimated me would be able to walk on it's own, but only in a strange and stilted way that instantly makes people feel uneasy. My body would then be able to walk any of my daughters down the isle for their eventual weddings, which is really like the dream of any daughter with a dead father isn't it? "Oh if only he could be here!" Well I will be. My re-animated body could also be used for mundane tasks such as greeting visitors at the door of our house, or walking around carrying trays of cockails or weenies. The posibilities are really endless if you're creative enough.
10. Enter Politics - It used to be the big thing to use dead men's names to vote in elections for one side or the other when everything was run by political machines, I say if it's going to happen anyway why not go with the flow? Now of course I wouldn't let the general public know I was dead, but the basic idea behind the whole thing would be to aquie office somehow. Probably the easiest way to do so would be by buying a Chicago senate seat somehow and then always sending representatives to do the talking for me. My body could be propped up and made to look good for campaign posters, and any complexion problems that develop could be photoshopped out. I'm sure someone could go for this idea, since alot of politicians are just puppets anyway. I would just be a puppet in a more literal sense! At least it would give them a reason to keep my body looking good. Gotta be at my best for all those rallys! Ideally my head would finally fall off at a rally and the truth would come out, but before that I bet I could run a successful term or two.
Anyway that's about it for the things I want to do after death. If you have very weak reasoning skills you might not have noticed that many of these are mutually eclusive. Well the way I'm going to work around that is by deciding on which of them I want done before I'm dead and then making it clear in my will. I've mentioned several times that I'll be completely loaded by then, and it'll be a condition for inheritance that these things happen. Hell, alot of these aren't mutually exclusive. I just have to pick one of the ones that ends up with my body gone or mutilated and make that the final one.
As for how I die, I can promise you it won't be a suicide because that's just boring. I hope to die or be killed in a really cool way, but maybe that'll be a list for the future. I guess I'll just have to leave you all dying on the inside of anticipation until then. It'll probably not be that great anyway. Nothing is ever as great as I hype it up to be. Still, I like pretending I'm better at things than I am. It's a blast! Expect a list soon about American Sign Language! What Fun! Until then.
God'sLonelyMan out.
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