After cramming hard for an Anglo Saxon exam (and writing a paper on how all humans in the literature do is drink, and not eat. No, seriously, the words for friend are all "man who shares beer" and "wine-giver") I realized that so much important bits of human culture are based around booze. Which brings me to:
1) Cezanne Paintings- A lot of Cezanne paintings are still lifes (lives?) of bread, cheese, and wine, usually with some kind of fruit. I'm really hard-pressed to pick just one, but they're there. You have to believe me!
2) Sideways-This recent movie starring Paul Giamatti and Thomas Haden Church (and, weirdly enough, not my dad and Owen Wilson) about a man's midlife crisis in NoCal Wine Country is more a love story about wine than anything else. I actually learned oenophilia from this movie, but still hated it for its protagonists' close resemblance to my dad.
3) "Litany" by Billy Collins- This is one of my favorite poems, and it starts with: "You are the bread and the knife/ the crystal goblet and the wine." before going on a game-like ramble, transforming himself and his addressee into different things in an unknown pattern. He finally returns in his last lines to "But don't worry. You are still the bread the knife/You will always be the bread and the knife,/ the crystal goblet, and, somehow, the wine."
4) "Whiskey, You're The Devil" by the Clancy Brothers- A damned good Irish folk song, done up by the (quaint-sounding) masters of Irish folk songs from the '40s. These dudes are a staple of Saint Patrick's Day in my house, and it was hard to pick just one of their boozin' songs.
5) "The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam"- The quote I was thinking of was: "a loaf of bread, a jar of wine, and thou..." which gets obscenely overquoted, but still. It's got all the essentials in there.
6) The Ode to Ninkasi- This is a paean to the Mesopotamian goddess of beer, one of the oldest recorded written documents in human history. The full text is all about the sacred lake of booze.
7) "Red Red Wine"- UB40- A really typically eighties white-boy reggae tune, and a classic.
8) "Gotta Have You"- the Weepies- This love song makes me cry, and also mentions both whiskey and wine, making it a top on this list.
9) "Tequila"- by the Champs -Another classic boozin' song. "Tequila" is the only word said after the iconic riff.
10) "Too Drunk to Fuck"- Dead Kennedys- I think this song is the result of all the earlier works. Also, too great to pass up. Sixteen beers, huh? Nice.
I'd talk longer, but the weather outside is frightful, and the fire is so delightful.
DG, out like the power.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Sing, O Muse...
...of the most awesome dye jobs ever. As a recent owner of Little-Mermaid-hued locks (self-inflicted, too, I add with some smugness) I have devoted this entry to:
THE TOP TEN BEST DYE JOBS EVER
10) Clementine in "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"- Kate Winslet plays this cocaine-doer who meets her at-one-point man during a meet-cute train conversation about the naming of hair dyes. Her own hair vacillates in color rapidly throughout the film, too, even turning the orange that her name would suggest at one point.
9) Ramona Flowers in "Scott Pilgrim"- This subspace-traveling Amazon.ca delivery girl has the most amazing sense of style of any comic-book girl I've ever visually encountered. As well as coveting her amazing round purse, I also drool lustfully over her turquoise-then-purple-but-sometimes-other-things hair. Thanks, Brian Lee O'Malley, you make me break so many commandments.
8) Rose Walker in "Sandman"- This girl, who otherwise is a somewhat tabula-rasa heroine, traveling through the bizarro world of Gaiman's "A Doll's House" (Sandman volume 2? I think so) shows her true colors, as it were, in her rainbow-colored hair. (I was torn between Rose and Delirium, but since the Endless' hair is half-gone, I went with Rose.)
7) Gwen Stefani on the "Return of Saturn" tour- This girl was a role model for me as a tween/early teen. My pop-culture deprived childhood gave way to an over saturated Middle School career, in which I devoured all pop culture, even the -GASP- like, totally outdated nineties force of nature that is Gwen Stefani. (I don't care what you say, readers, she peaked with this tour.) Gwen, with her Kool-aid hair, doing pushups onstage to "Don't Speak," was everything I want to be. And still do, a bit, but minus the crappy solo career and tacky forays into design.
6) Rosy-Fingered Dawn in "the Odyssey"- Okay, I know it's a bit of a reach, but if Homer says she has pink fingers, I think that's pretty cool. Eos, you might just be the coolest non-hair dye job on this list.
5) Georgia Nicholson in "Angus, Thongs and Full-Frontal Snogging"- So this was the go-to guilty-pleasure reading of my Middle and High School years. But the cool thing about this Britchick is that she dyes her hair bright red SO SHE CAN DRESS UP AS THE PIMENTO OF A STUFFED OLIVE. Good show, old bean. Good show.
4) Enid Coleslaw in "Ghost World"- Dan Clowes' uber-creepy anti-heroine turns many off with her deadpan and creepers-heavy style. However, a high-school-hating child like myself fell in love with her take-no-crap approach to graduation, and the fake nostalgia surrounding it. Also, her black hair, which she then dyed lizard-green. Most righteous.
3) Claire Danes on "My So-Called Life"- I hit her around the time I hit Gwen Stefani, and she was one of the main reasons I dyed mine red the first time. My parents reacted in a similar way, too.
2) The Joker in "The Killing Joke" - So, this was an unintentional dye job, but by far, the most badass transformation, for lack of a better turn of phrase. This incarnation of the Joker, while distasteful to a lot of hardcore fans for giving him a backstory, also manages to add EXTREME PATHOS (said in the pro-wrestler voice) to the King of Comedy by making his transformation look like the descent of an everyman, as opposed to the random occurrence of pure evil. Also, green hair. I like (see: Enid Coleslaw.)
1) Tyra Banks, at all times- I harbor the belief that under her wig, this woman is bald as the proverbial eight-ball. But she has amazingly well-dyed wigs and weaves, for someone that is essentially a menopausal Gila Monster that happened to have wandered into a Dior Gown.
Off to copy encyclopedia entries for the Red-Headed League!
DG, out!
THE TOP TEN BEST DYE JOBS EVER
10) Clementine in "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"- Kate Winslet plays this cocaine-doer who meets her at-one-point man during a meet-cute train conversation about the naming of hair dyes. Her own hair vacillates in color rapidly throughout the film, too, even turning the orange that her name would suggest at one point.
9) Ramona Flowers in "Scott Pilgrim"- This subspace-traveling Amazon.ca delivery girl has the most amazing sense of style of any comic-book girl I've ever visually encountered. As well as coveting her amazing round purse, I also drool lustfully over her turquoise-then-purple-but-sometimes-other-things hair. Thanks, Brian Lee O'Malley, you make me break so many commandments.
8) Rose Walker in "Sandman"- This girl, who otherwise is a somewhat tabula-rasa heroine, traveling through the bizarro world of Gaiman's "A Doll's House" (Sandman volume 2? I think so) shows her true colors, as it were, in her rainbow-colored hair. (I was torn between Rose and Delirium, but since the Endless' hair is half-gone, I went with Rose.)
7) Gwen Stefani on the "Return of Saturn" tour- This girl was a role model for me as a tween/early teen. My pop-culture deprived childhood gave way to an over saturated Middle School career, in which I devoured all pop culture, even the -GASP- like, totally outdated nineties force of nature that is Gwen Stefani. (I don't care what you say, readers, she peaked with this tour.) Gwen, with her Kool-aid hair, doing pushups onstage to "Don't Speak," was everything I want to be. And still do, a bit, but minus the crappy solo career and tacky forays into design.
6) Rosy-Fingered Dawn in "the Odyssey"- Okay, I know it's a bit of a reach, but if Homer says she has pink fingers, I think that's pretty cool. Eos, you might just be the coolest non-hair dye job on this list.
5) Georgia Nicholson in "Angus, Thongs and Full-Frontal Snogging"- So this was the go-to guilty-pleasure reading of my Middle and High School years. But the cool thing about this Britchick is that she dyes her hair bright red SO SHE CAN DRESS UP AS THE PIMENTO OF A STUFFED OLIVE. Good show, old bean. Good show.
4) Enid Coleslaw in "Ghost World"- Dan Clowes' uber-creepy anti-heroine turns many off with her deadpan and creepers-heavy style. However, a high-school-hating child like myself fell in love with her take-no-crap approach to graduation, and the fake nostalgia surrounding it. Also, her black hair, which she then dyed lizard-green. Most righteous.
3) Claire Danes on "My So-Called Life"- I hit her around the time I hit Gwen Stefani, and she was one of the main reasons I dyed mine red the first time. My parents reacted in a similar way, too.
2) The Joker in "The Killing Joke" - So, this was an unintentional dye job, but by far, the most badass transformation, for lack of a better turn of phrase. This incarnation of the Joker, while distasteful to a lot of hardcore fans for giving him a backstory, also manages to add EXTREME PATHOS (said in the pro-wrestler voice) to the King of Comedy by making his transformation look like the descent of an everyman, as opposed to the random occurrence of pure evil. Also, green hair. I like (see: Enid Coleslaw.)
1) Tyra Banks, at all times- I harbor the belief that under her wig, this woman is bald as the proverbial eight-ball. But she has amazingly well-dyed wigs and weaves, for someone that is essentially a menopausal Gila Monster that happened to have wandered into a Dior Gown.
Off to copy encyclopedia entries for the Red-Headed League!
DG, out!
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Life is like a Box of Chocolates....
but having a shitty job is like being metaphorically lactose-intolerant.
So here's the list of the Top Ten Successful Employment-Free Things:
10) Shangri-La - From the novel "Lost Horizons," this mythic land presents a place where nobody has cares, hierarchies, OR A JOB. It makes the high-altitude trek beyond worth it.
9) The Ideal Soviet Republic- So, now I come to the loophole in my title, comrades. I said "employment-free" and this applies, since technically, the state isn't just your employer, but also your life! (In our decadent Western society, work only tries to do this. Take note, and move to the gulag, oh bosses of mine.)
8) "The Wind in the Willows"- my beloved kids' book only features animals who have inherited manors and wealth (Toad) or else build their own houses from scratch (Moley and Badger) but don't seem to have any jobs. All they do is mess about in boats. Then again, this might be why I like it so much.
7) The people in Decemberists' songs- with the exception of a few characters, like Billy Liar, the chimbley sweep, the husband from the Crane Wife cycle, and the mom from Cautionary Song, most characters in Decemberists' songs are unemployed woodsy folk, villains, or ghosts.
6) Batman- He's not an inventor, like Tony Stark. He's not even....well....whatever Clark Kent is. In some iterations, he does minimal things for Wayne Enterprises, but really, his job is a nonprofit for Gotham, which in my book, counts as volunteering. Sucks for you, come tax season, Brucie. I don't think you can get refunds on your Bat Cave.
5) Tyra Banks' sense of dignity- That poor schmuck's been out of work for decades.
4) Mycroft Holmes- he does consulting for commissions (if I have my facts right) but this recluse doesn't go in for regular work.
3) The Narrator of the song "Take this Job And Shove It"- I'm assuming he doesn't, at least not anymore.
2) Hubert Humphrey- As exemplified in this song by Tom Lehrer
1) Romulans- No payment here.
Sorry this entry is so short and sucky, but my job is becoming the Ted Hughes to my Sylvia Plath, which in turn is driving me to a violent downward spiral into Howard Hughes-hood. Check me into the nearest hotel.
DG, out.
So here's the list of the Top Ten Successful Employment-Free Things:
10) Shangri-La - From the novel "Lost Horizons," this mythic land presents a place where nobody has cares, hierarchies, OR A JOB. It makes the high-altitude trek beyond worth it.
9) The Ideal Soviet Republic- So, now I come to the loophole in my title, comrades. I said "employment-free" and this applies, since technically, the state isn't just your employer, but also your life! (In our decadent Western society, work only tries to do this. Take note, and move to the gulag, oh bosses of mine.)
8) "The Wind in the Willows"- my beloved kids' book only features animals who have inherited manors and wealth (Toad) or else build their own houses from scratch (Moley and Badger) but don't seem to have any jobs. All they do is mess about in boats. Then again, this might be why I like it so much.
7) The people in Decemberists' songs- with the exception of a few characters, like Billy Liar, the chimbley sweep, the husband from the Crane Wife cycle, and the mom from Cautionary Song, most characters in Decemberists' songs are unemployed woodsy folk, villains, or ghosts.
6) Batman- He's not an inventor, like Tony Stark. He's not even....well....whatever Clark Kent is. In some iterations, he does minimal things for Wayne Enterprises, but really, his job is a nonprofit for Gotham, which in my book, counts as volunteering. Sucks for you, come tax season, Brucie. I don't think you can get refunds on your Bat Cave.
5) Tyra Banks' sense of dignity- That poor schmuck's been out of work for decades.
4) Mycroft Holmes- he does consulting for commissions (if I have my facts right) but this recluse doesn't go in for regular work.
3) The Narrator of the song "Take this Job And Shove It"- I'm assuming he doesn't, at least not anymore.
2) Hubert Humphrey- As exemplified in this song by Tom Lehrer
1) Romulans- No payment here.
Sorry this entry is so short and sucky, but my job is becoming the Ted Hughes to my Sylvia Plath, which in turn is driving me to a violent downward spiral into Howard Hughes-hood. Check me into the nearest hotel.
DG, out.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Holy Shit! This is a Children's Movie?
The world is a different place in the human larval stage of development. People like to say that it's a time of innocence and purity, before the world corrupts and jades each of us. Buuuulllllshit. Why do I say this? Because anyone who spends a decent amount of time with a child will realize that it isn't that they're innocent and pure, it's that they simply have not been ingrained with the societal teachings to feel guilt and reservation about things. To realize that things are off or dark. I mean come on, little boys are violent as hell, and little girls rarely even question the materialism that is just accepted as part of being a little girl. It takes age and exposure to society to realize that some things are bad.
Now this brings me to the greater point of this entire post. Children's movies. Specifically musicals. We all watched them when we were little and absorbed their simple black and white messages like happy little sheep, rarely questioning or thinking about the implications of the movies, and just enjoying the songs. Sometimes this was ok! I'll admit most of Disney's early stuff that really made them famous was pretty tame and happy. However, when you go back and really watch some of the more recent disney stuff, things look different as an adult. Remember teh songs and characters who gave you nightmares or who you hated because they were evil? Those songs were often seriously disturbing or mature in nature. They were the sort of songs that make you say "Fuck! This is a children's movie?"
I have gone through the trouble of dredging through the thick pasty lake of useless trivia mud in the back of my head and pulling out the ten songs from my youth that really seem alot darker when I look back at them. I won't lie, alot of these songs are awesome. But when you really think about what they're saying and what they're about, it just makes you realize how little you queston as a child.
1 Fantasia - Night on Bald Mountain
I was a little conflicted as to wether to list this as a song in a children's movie, because arguably Fantasia is not a children't movie as much as an exercise in putting animation to music for anyone to watch. Still, this was a movie I watched when I was little that left me twitching and sweating and completely unable to sleep for the rest of the week so I put it in. I mean come on, basically the entire thing is full of demons and skeletons erupting from the ground to cause havoc and bask in the unholy light of the moon, while the greatest and most powerful demon of all oversees them like a sick and twisted conductor of darkness. It's a truly beautiful and scary scene when you're little, and frankly it surprises me that they put it in the movie with all the other relatively tame sequences. Still, I'm sure as hell glad they did, because I fucking loved this movie as a kid.
2 Anastasia - In The Dark of the Night
I really regret the fact that I couldn't find an actual video of this song, and instead have to provide you with this. I don't really regret it for your sake, since there are probably two or three of my bored friends reading this at the very most and I don't give a shit wether this entertains them or not. No, I simply regret that I can't remember exactually what's going on visually in this little sequence, and it's hard to judge the overall darkness of a scene without the visuals that go with it. Still, from the lyrics alone and from what I can remember, this song deals with some pretty heavy stuff.
I mean basically this is a song about a guy who has sold his soul to kill a woman, and now he is preparing to literally reattach the peices of his rotting corpse and rip her from the world of the living with dark magic. Shit man. Sucks to be her.
3 The Great Mouse Detective - Ratigan
"WORSE THAN THE WIDOWS AND ORPHANS YOU'VE DROWNED"
Need I say more?
Yes.
For a song so upbeat and celebratory, this is one of the most gruesome and dark songs in disney history. Hell, Ratigan stops the song mid chorus to KILL A FUCKING MINION. He does it in a calm and collected manner, and then beckons the others to CONTINUE THE FUCKING SONG. When I watch this today I am just astounded by how evil Disney was willing to make their villains. This is really just a precursor to what was, in my opinion, the scariest scene in any disney movie, where Ratigan basically goes full-on rat and rips his clothes off to tear the life out of Basil of Bakerstreet. Seriously scary shit.
4 Quest for Camelot - Ruber
What makes this particular song interesting to me is the fact that it's really just a completely unbalanced and dangerous pwrson talking about how much he likes people dying and killing each other. He doesn't want people to sleep peacefully because he thrives on war and destruction, so he is willing to rip the humanity from his horde of warriors and turn them into walking death machines who basically will never again serve a purpose in life other than to kill and maim fellow human beings. That's a pretty radical life choice there if I do say so myself.
5 Beauty and the Beast - Kill The Beast
Everyone in Belle's town, the mothers, fathers, sons and daughters, want this creature dead. They want to stab him to death and burn the body. What makes the entire concept of this song chilling is the fact that these people really think they are protecting themselves, they are truly motivated against something that someone they trust has told them is a threat, and yet they are entirely and undeniably the bad guys in this movie. Many of them die in the assult on the castle. DIE! They were trying to protect their families! They listened to Gaston because he's charismatic and forceful, and he made a good case for the danger of the situation. these are the people that the main heroine has grown up with and lived around her whole life, and they are turned into a slavering mob, thirsty for furry blood. Also there's a Shakespeare reference, and there's no way they expected kids to pick that up.
6 Dumbo - Pink Elephants on Parade
There's not much I can say about this that will emphasize how disturbing and twisted this segment in Dumbo is better than just watching the video. Dumbo and his friend basically get drunk and go on the weirdest trip ever set down in a Disney movie. I think the animators must have been on some seriously expensice acid when they made this segment. It would take me this entire post if I went through and listed every specific moment in this video that is somehow disturbing or scary. Even Dumbo's eyes-half-closed stoned-out-of-his-mind stare should have parents asking "what the fuck are they showing my children"
7 Fern Gully - Toxic Love
I don't think anyone but Tim Curry could make this song as sleazy and sultry as he could. The man's got a way with song. Still though, from the first image of a sludge-covered skeleton erupting from a mass of grime, to the final moments of the grime cloud monster locking himself in the boiler, this is a song with some great mature images and themes. I mean yeah, the entirely movie is ham-fistedly and unabashedly environmental, but the bad guy also manages to be genuinely creepy in this little bit. I know I thought it was scary. No way I was fucking around with tree cutting machines after that. Fern Gully taught nature preservation by traumatization. Hell, we should try that more often.
8 The Lion King - Be Prepared
Props to the people who wrote the lyrics to this song, because there is some sophistocated verse and terminology in this song that is just plain awesome. It follows the pattern of the "Kill the Beast" song mentioned earlier in that it's basically a song about how the bad guys are going to kill a protagonist, but it differs in a way that in my mind makes the whole thing alot more chilling.
Instead of a mindless crazy mob, an organized force of fascists is formed around the rallying call. Seriously, the fascism is all throughout the imagry in the song and noone with basic knowledge of Nazis can deny it. Holy shit man, holy shit. What I really wonder is how much of the power of the idea got through to me when I saw this at age 7 or whenever, because that's an image that should make people a little uncomfortable in my opinion.
9 The Prince of Egypt - The Plagues
This is what you get when you take a source material that's not meant at all to be for children and make a children's movie out of it. Awesome awesome awesome scenes with very dark and mature concepts. Under the command of god, Moses is killing and maiming and starving the people of Egypt until they bow down to his demands. The Pharoah on the other hand looks cruelly and coldly upon the death and destruction around his people and sees only the potential for personal shame, and so he lets them suffer and die for his pride. Not to mention the tone of the entire song is dark and confrontational, with chanting and verse being read in the background as the two main characters sing in counter point for their respective perspective. Powerful stuff indeed, and in no way "for children." Anyone who can't appreciate the power of this sequence is deaf and blind. Or maybe blind and non-english-speaking, which would amount to a similar level of non-comprehension, but then we're getting into technicalities.
10 The Hunchback of Notre Dame - Hellfire
Summed up: "You arouse me. I cannot have you. I will take you and rape you or I will kill you painfully." I know for sure that I didn't pick up any of the depth and subtlty in this song when I saw it in theaters, because I barely remembered it coming out. Looking back it's by far the best song in the movie. Even the visual mix of the demonic imagry and the holy symbolism is fantastically well set up. The shadows and flames writing in the different shakes on the walls just give a great impression of the raw passion and uncontrollable lust behind Frollo's actions. If only the entire movie had maintained such a dark tone. It would have been truly epic.
Basically those were the best ones I could remember, and they all fit the bill quite nicely. Those of you reading who were ticking off mental lists of your own (no doubt inferior to my list, which is definitive by nature of being on the internet) might comment that I left out any mention of any of the songs from Nightmare before Christmas. This is because I almost felt that putting that in there would be too obvious. I mean basically that whole movie is a children's movie that is way too dark for children. Why parents let kids watch that movie is beyond me.
At least scenes like these give the movies some rewatching value right? Any excuse to waste time on YouTube.
God'sLonelyMan out
Now this brings me to the greater point of this entire post. Children's movies. Specifically musicals. We all watched them when we were little and absorbed their simple black and white messages like happy little sheep, rarely questioning or thinking about the implications of the movies, and just enjoying the songs. Sometimes this was ok! I'll admit most of Disney's early stuff that really made them famous was pretty tame and happy. However, when you go back and really watch some of the more recent disney stuff, things look different as an adult. Remember teh songs and characters who gave you nightmares or who you hated because they were evil? Those songs were often seriously disturbing or mature in nature. They were the sort of songs that make you say "Fuck! This is a children's movie?"
I have gone through the trouble of dredging through the thick pasty lake of useless trivia mud in the back of my head and pulling out the ten songs from my youth that really seem alot darker when I look back at them. I won't lie, alot of these songs are awesome. But when you really think about what they're saying and what they're about, it just makes you realize how little you queston as a child.
1 Fantasia - Night on Bald Mountain
I was a little conflicted as to wether to list this as a song in a children's movie, because arguably Fantasia is not a children't movie as much as an exercise in putting animation to music for anyone to watch. Still, this was a movie I watched when I was little that left me twitching and sweating and completely unable to sleep for the rest of the week so I put it in. I mean come on, basically the entire thing is full of demons and skeletons erupting from the ground to cause havoc and bask in the unholy light of the moon, while the greatest and most powerful demon of all oversees them like a sick and twisted conductor of darkness. It's a truly beautiful and scary scene when you're little, and frankly it surprises me that they put it in the movie with all the other relatively tame sequences. Still, I'm sure as hell glad they did, because I fucking loved this movie as a kid.
2 Anastasia - In The Dark of the Night
I really regret the fact that I couldn't find an actual video of this song, and instead have to provide you with this. I don't really regret it for your sake, since there are probably two or three of my bored friends reading this at the very most and I don't give a shit wether this entertains them or not. No, I simply regret that I can't remember exactually what's going on visually in this little sequence, and it's hard to judge the overall darkness of a scene without the visuals that go with it. Still, from the lyrics alone and from what I can remember, this song deals with some pretty heavy stuff.
I mean basically this is a song about a guy who has sold his soul to kill a woman, and now he is preparing to literally reattach the peices of his rotting corpse and rip her from the world of the living with dark magic. Shit man. Sucks to be her.
3 The Great Mouse Detective - Ratigan
"WORSE THAN THE WIDOWS AND ORPHANS YOU'VE DROWNED"
Need I say more?
Yes.
For a song so upbeat and celebratory, this is one of the most gruesome and dark songs in disney history. Hell, Ratigan stops the song mid chorus to KILL A FUCKING MINION. He does it in a calm and collected manner, and then beckons the others to CONTINUE THE FUCKING SONG. When I watch this today I am just astounded by how evil Disney was willing to make their villains. This is really just a precursor to what was, in my opinion, the scariest scene in any disney movie, where Ratigan basically goes full-on rat and rips his clothes off to tear the life out of Basil of Bakerstreet. Seriously scary shit.
4 Quest for Camelot - Ruber
What makes this particular song interesting to me is the fact that it's really just a completely unbalanced and dangerous pwrson talking about how much he likes people dying and killing each other. He doesn't want people to sleep peacefully because he thrives on war and destruction, so he is willing to rip the humanity from his horde of warriors and turn them into walking death machines who basically will never again serve a purpose in life other than to kill and maim fellow human beings. That's a pretty radical life choice there if I do say so myself.
5 Beauty and the Beast - Kill The Beast
Everyone in Belle's town, the mothers, fathers, sons and daughters, want this creature dead. They want to stab him to death and burn the body. What makes the entire concept of this song chilling is the fact that these people really think they are protecting themselves, they are truly motivated against something that someone they trust has told them is a threat, and yet they are entirely and undeniably the bad guys in this movie. Many of them die in the assult on the castle. DIE! They were trying to protect their families! They listened to Gaston because he's charismatic and forceful, and he made a good case for the danger of the situation. these are the people that the main heroine has grown up with and lived around her whole life, and they are turned into a slavering mob, thirsty for furry blood. Also there's a Shakespeare reference, and there's no way they expected kids to pick that up.
6 Dumbo - Pink Elephants on Parade
There's not much I can say about this that will emphasize how disturbing and twisted this segment in Dumbo is better than just watching the video. Dumbo and his friend basically get drunk and go on the weirdest trip ever set down in a Disney movie. I think the animators must have been on some seriously expensice acid when they made this segment. It would take me this entire post if I went through and listed every specific moment in this video that is somehow disturbing or scary. Even Dumbo's eyes-half-closed stoned-out-of-his-mind stare should have parents asking "what the fuck are they showing my children"
7 Fern Gully - Toxic Love
I don't think anyone but Tim Curry could make this song as sleazy and sultry as he could. The man's got a way with song. Still though, from the first image of a sludge-covered skeleton erupting from a mass of grime, to the final moments of the grime cloud monster locking himself in the boiler, this is a song with some great mature images and themes. I mean yeah, the entirely movie is ham-fistedly and unabashedly environmental, but the bad guy also manages to be genuinely creepy in this little bit. I know I thought it was scary. No way I was fucking around with tree cutting machines after that. Fern Gully taught nature preservation by traumatization. Hell, we should try that more often.
8 The Lion King - Be Prepared
Props to the people who wrote the lyrics to this song, because there is some sophistocated verse and terminology in this song that is just plain awesome. It follows the pattern of the "Kill the Beast" song mentioned earlier in that it's basically a song about how the bad guys are going to kill a protagonist, but it differs in a way that in my mind makes the whole thing alot more chilling.
Instead of a mindless crazy mob, an organized force of fascists is formed around the rallying call. Seriously, the fascism is all throughout the imagry in the song and noone with basic knowledge of Nazis can deny it. Holy shit man, holy shit. What I really wonder is how much of the power of the idea got through to me when I saw this at age 7 or whenever, because that's an image that should make people a little uncomfortable in my opinion.
9 The Prince of Egypt - The Plagues
This is what you get when you take a source material that's not meant at all to be for children and make a children's movie out of it. Awesome awesome awesome scenes with very dark and mature concepts. Under the command of god, Moses is killing and maiming and starving the people of Egypt until they bow down to his demands. The Pharoah on the other hand looks cruelly and coldly upon the death and destruction around his people and sees only the potential for personal shame, and so he lets them suffer and die for his pride. Not to mention the tone of the entire song is dark and confrontational, with chanting and verse being read in the background as the two main characters sing in counter point for their respective perspective. Powerful stuff indeed, and in no way "for children." Anyone who can't appreciate the power of this sequence is deaf and blind. Or maybe blind and non-english-speaking, which would amount to a similar level of non-comprehension, but then we're getting into technicalities.
10 The Hunchback of Notre Dame - Hellfire
Summed up: "You arouse me. I cannot have you. I will take you and rape you or I will kill you painfully." I know for sure that I didn't pick up any of the depth and subtlty in this song when I saw it in theaters, because I barely remembered it coming out. Looking back it's by far the best song in the movie. Even the visual mix of the demonic imagry and the holy symbolism is fantastically well set up. The shadows and flames writing in the different shakes on the walls just give a great impression of the raw passion and uncontrollable lust behind Frollo's actions. If only the entire movie had maintained such a dark tone. It would have been truly epic.
Basically those were the best ones I could remember, and they all fit the bill quite nicely. Those of you reading who were ticking off mental lists of your own (no doubt inferior to my list, which is definitive by nature of being on the internet) might comment that I left out any mention of any of the songs from Nightmare before Christmas. This is because I almost felt that putting that in there would be too obvious. I mean basically that whole movie is a children's movie that is way too dark for children. Why parents let kids watch that movie is beyond me.
At least scenes like these give the movies some rewatching value right? Any excuse to waste time on YouTube.
God'sLonelyMan out
Thursday, June 18, 2009
10 Great Movies About People With Shitty Jobs
10. Fight Club - I can easily imagine wanting to kick the stuffing out of some hot young Jared Leto bod if I had Ed Norton's job. Oh, wait. I do. Be wary, attractive male celebrities everywhere.
9. The Music Man- I am of the school of thought that says that it would suck greatly to be a librarian in River City, Iowa (the town where Chaucer is the raciest one can read. Oohh, lord, I'm gettin' my Anglo-Saxon jollies as we speak.I've been a naughty, naughty serf, Jeff...) or a traveling salesman in....anywhere. You wear that uniform, and then everyone in a small town wants to run you out on a rail. Except for the virginal librarian (ibid.) who wants to do something else involving you, running, and a rail.
8. To Sir, With Love- Sidney Poitier, as well as being top-five material on my upcoming list of old-timey silver-screen manbait, has an incredible array of (muscles? sub-zero vocal chords?) patience with the chavviest Brit Kids that I've ever heard drop their H's on-screen since Audrey Hepburn's ever-so-fair turn as a certain guttersnipe. Props, Sid. You really taught those boys something about R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
7. Psycho -Running a creepy motel would be enough to drive anyone crazy. The end.
6. Secretary- Put aside the spanking and the starving and the tree scene and all other sorts of guilty-BDSM-fantasy fodder for a minute there (and zip up your pants. I see what you did there!) and just think about this. You've gotta be a masochist to take a job that requires you to use a typewriter, in this day and age.
5. Almost Famous - I can't imagine you get to be that picky about which drug-addled member of Stillwater uses your body on any given night. It's not always gonna be Russell. Sometimes, it's going to be that muppety drummer, who later confesses that he's gay. What? He has to prove something to the guys until then.
4. Double Indemnity -The deep nuances of insurance selling and housewifery hold little appeal. Suppose I said that I only really start to like this movie when they start bantering?
3. Bleak House -Want to be a Jarndice lawyer? You can argue for generations, until your progeny's progeny are bored and headachy, and still not get anywhere, much less paid.
2. Boondock Saints -I know this is kind of obscure, but you know the part at the beginning, with the cute Irish brothers working in the Boston meat-packing plant? Do you know what kind of diseases you can get from manhandling old meat? Good, you don't want to .
1. American Psycho - Shitty, boring job by day. Inventive slashing by night. Sounds a little like another Bale role. Or five, now that I think about it. But yes, Bale, office politics. I was going to make a water cooler joke, but then realized that it wouldn't be as effective of a come-on as I'd hoped. Sorry.
DG, out.
9. The Music Man- I am of the school of thought that says that it would suck greatly to be a librarian in River City, Iowa (the town where Chaucer is the raciest one can read. Oohh, lord, I'm gettin' my Anglo-Saxon jollies as we speak.I've been a naughty, naughty serf, Jeff...) or a traveling salesman in....anywhere. You wear that uniform, and then everyone in a small town wants to run you out on a rail. Except for the virginal librarian (ibid.) who wants to do something else involving you, running, and a rail.
8. To Sir, With Love- Sidney Poitier, as well as being top-five material on my upcoming list of old-timey silver-screen manbait, has an incredible array of (muscles? sub-zero vocal chords?) patience with the chavviest Brit Kids that I've ever heard drop their H's on-screen since Audrey Hepburn's ever-so-fair turn as a certain guttersnipe. Props, Sid. You really taught those boys something about R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
7. Psycho -Running a creepy motel would be enough to drive anyone crazy. The end.
6. Secretary- Put aside the spanking and the starving and the tree scene and all other sorts of guilty-BDSM-fantasy fodder for a minute there (and zip up your pants. I see what you did there!) and just think about this. You've gotta be a masochist to take a job that requires you to use a typewriter, in this day and age.
5. Almost Famous - I can't imagine you get to be that picky about which drug-addled member of Stillwater uses your body on any given night. It's not always gonna be Russell. Sometimes, it's going to be that muppety drummer, who later confesses that he's gay. What? He has to prove something to the guys until then.
4. Double Indemnity -The deep nuances of insurance selling and housewifery hold little appeal. Suppose I said that I only really start to like this movie when they start bantering?
3. Bleak House -Want to be a Jarndice lawyer? You can argue for generations, until your progeny's progeny are bored and headachy, and still not get anywhere, much less paid.
2. Boondock Saints -I know this is kind of obscure, but you know the part at the beginning, with the cute Irish brothers working in the Boston meat-packing plant? Do you know what kind of diseases you can get from manhandling old meat? Good, you don't want to .
1. American Psycho - Shitty, boring job by day. Inventive slashing by night. Sounds a little like another Bale role. Or five, now that I think about it. But yes, Bale, office politics. I was going to make a water cooler joke, but then realized that it wouldn't be as effective of a come-on as I'd hoped. Sorry.
DG, out.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Ten Things I Would Do if I Didn't Start Federal Work Monday
So after a month of brain-numbing entropy, I have very little (save a short-lived-but-surely-wonderful visit to the southern end of Virginia) to show for it. However, on the 9th of May, when I moved from my lovely room in college to my less-lovely room in a city nearby, I promised myself that I would do something worthwhile, and now, I hope that writing about what I could have done will count as doing something. After all, if recent studies show that people on placebo diet pills can lose weight merely by thinking really, really hard (I think the study's referenced in this episode!), then how hard can it be for me to do something just by being extra, extra meta about it?
10. I would sharpen my vast array of Dixon Ticonderoga #2 pencils to a very sharp point, which always inspires me to write. I don't know why, but it's only this brand, and it's only when they're very sharp, on certain kinds of paper (I'm really picky) but I just get really inspired to pull out my sketchbook and finish that graphic novelita I started so many years ago...
9. I would categorize my iTunes just the way I like it, so that all my Jangly Indiepop is in its appropriate playlist, and if that happens to overlap with my Covers and Remixes playlist, I would make a separate Jangly Indie Covers playlist to accommodate it. Yes, I am that anal about music. I have 30,00 songs of almost every genre, and counting. I like knowing what I listen to. More importantly, I would clear out that damn "'90's music" folder that iTunes gives me automatically, since the so-called "Smart Playlist" never really puts real 90's music on there- just terrible covers of songs that may have once been played in the 90's. Or songs from the 90's that I don't much care for, like anything by Lenny Kravitz. You're a very pretty man, but I'd prefer not to.
8. I would become well-versed (who am I kidding, plain old versed would work, too) in teh interwebs. I would get a profile, or whatever it is you get, on 4chan, and be super awesomezor5, and make up memes, and all my friends who like computers would be in awe, and my boyfriend would genuflect before my supreme computer prowess.
7. I would buy more candles. My room smells like apple pie, currently, but there appears to be a secret cache of socks somewhere, and I am only just finding out socks' power to be the potpourri of stank. So when I run out of pie-candles, my room may be stuck smelling like just-washed Haneses.
6. I would throw one of those totally awesome high-school parties that I never really had in high school, because I hated everyone I went to high school with. Wait. I still do. Never mind. I would probably just buy a hookah, and some of that hookah-tobacco goop, and play some old tantric records, and amuse my own damn self.
5. I would play dress-up with my mom's old clothes from the 70's. I found some serious peasant-shirtage going down in a box when I was cleaning my basement last week, and have been itching to get into full Sonny-and-Cher disguise and try these babies out with my big platform go-go boots.
4. Read all the books sitting by my bed. Let me tell you something about me. I love books. I always have at least 5 by my bed, and am capable of starting a book while still reading another. Therefore, I go through a lot of books, since I cycle through about three in an average week, and hate re-reading a book I don't love. So I just put a bunch of new books by my bed. A memoir by the ex-curator of the Met, "The Name of the Rose" which I've always wanted to read and never have, "The Baron in the Trees" by Italo Calvino, and "Exit the King" by Ionesco, to name a few. And I really want to read these. But now that I'm employed, I won't have the time, chances are, or the brain energy.
3. Become one of those super-hip blogger girls. Yes, this is meta. But I want to be one of those girls who can sit in a cafe, and wonder insouciently: "how the hell can I drink my venti-not-large mocha-toffee-chino-latte-with-cinnaNut-spriklinis while still blogging about how hot my shoes are, and also about politics?" I am just not that cool (for evidence, look at previous lists.) I did read this really cool book about Robert Rauschenberg,in a cafe, though.
2. I would find a way to register for this.
1. I would pick up my guitar, for the first time in a month, and play something.
Entropically, employedly, elegiacally, and beating-self-over-the-head-ingly yours.
DG, out.
10. I would sharpen my vast array of Dixon Ticonderoga #2 pencils to a very sharp point, which always inspires me to write. I don't know why, but it's only this brand, and it's only when they're very sharp, on certain kinds of paper (I'm really picky) but I just get really inspired to pull out my sketchbook and finish that graphic novelita I started so many years ago...
9. I would categorize my iTunes just the way I like it, so that all my Jangly Indiepop is in its appropriate playlist, and if that happens to overlap with my Covers and Remixes playlist, I would make a separate Jangly Indie Covers playlist to accommodate it. Yes, I am that anal about music. I have 30,00 songs of almost every genre, and counting. I like knowing what I listen to. More importantly, I would clear out that damn "'90's music" folder that iTunes gives me automatically, since the so-called "Smart Playlist" never really puts real 90's music on there- just terrible covers of songs that may have once been played in the 90's. Or songs from the 90's that I don't much care for, like anything by Lenny Kravitz. You're a very pretty man, but I'd prefer not to.
8. I would become well-versed (who am I kidding, plain old versed would work, too) in teh interwebs. I would get a profile, or whatever it is you get, on 4chan, and be super awesomezor5, and make up memes, and all my friends who like computers would be in awe, and my boyfriend would genuflect before my supreme computer prowess.
7. I would buy more candles. My room smells like apple pie, currently, but there appears to be a secret cache of socks somewhere, and I am only just finding out socks' power to be the potpourri of stank. So when I run out of pie-candles, my room may be stuck smelling like just-washed Haneses.
6. I would throw one of those totally awesome high-school parties that I never really had in high school, because I hated everyone I went to high school with. Wait. I still do. Never mind. I would probably just buy a hookah, and some of that hookah-tobacco goop, and play some old tantric records, and amuse my own damn self.
5. I would play dress-up with my mom's old clothes from the 70's. I found some serious peasant-shirtage going down in a box when I was cleaning my basement last week, and have been itching to get into full Sonny-and-Cher disguise and try these babies out with my big platform go-go boots.
4. Read all the books sitting by my bed. Let me tell you something about me. I love books. I always have at least 5 by my bed, and am capable of starting a book while still reading another. Therefore, I go through a lot of books, since I cycle through about three in an average week, and hate re-reading a book I don't love. So I just put a bunch of new books by my bed. A memoir by the ex-curator of the Met, "The Name of the Rose" which I've always wanted to read and never have, "The Baron in the Trees" by Italo Calvino, and "Exit the King" by Ionesco, to name a few. And I really want to read these. But now that I'm employed, I won't have the time, chances are, or the brain energy.
3. Become one of those super-hip blogger girls. Yes, this is meta. But I want to be one of those girls who can sit in a cafe, and wonder insouciently: "how the hell can I drink my venti-not-large mocha-toffee-chino-latte-with-cinnaNut-spriklinis while still blogging about how hot my shoes are, and also about politics?" I am just not that cool (for evidence, look at previous lists.) I did read this really cool book about Robert Rauschenberg,in a cafe, though.
2. I would find a way to register for this.
1. I would pick up my guitar, for the first time in a month, and play something.
Entropically, employedly, elegiacally, and beating-self-over-the-head-ingly yours.
DG, out.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Ah, Babelizer
So, whilst visiting the pastoral home of my equally pastoral boyfriend (make all your hay-rolling jokes now, you cretins, I see you making them) we stumbled upon Babelizer a funny little site that translates things from English, into the foreign tongue of your choice, and back again (remember the "faculty is diffidando" incident? This just removes all the effort that took). And so, I present to you....
The Top Ten Best Babelized Song Lyrics
10) "Womanizer" by Britney Spears, using German- "Young one, don't try to confront, Ah ah, since I see straight which you are, ah ah"
9) "Bitches Ain't Shit" by Dr. Dre, using Portuguese- "Bitches aren't cagado but prostitutes and tricks. It licks in these nuts and it sucks one dick."
8) "So Says I" by the Shins, using Italian- "Of support in order to multiply itself, support in order to see in nocturnal skies. Not dreammed never of such sterile hands."
7) "Go Places" by the New Pornographers, in French- "Like a certain share d' Encina. Machina ex of Deus. Hello, Christina."
6) "Pledge of Allegiance" by Louis XIV, in German- "Little Stacy Q, if it does not have anything better to do, comes it to my house, in addition, let's maintenance between me and you."
5) "I Believe in a Thing Called Love" by the Darkness, in Italian- "There' probabilità dello S.A. potremmo ora farli, we' il ll è rockin' finchè il sole scende."
4) "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion, in German- "Where you are, I believe near one, far, which continues the heart."
3) "Stayin' Alive" by the BeeGees, in Italian- "Well we can't test of t in order understanding New York Times 's infuence sull' man. If you're with reference to a drug addict, or if you're king to obtain funky, you're king stayin' alive, stayin' alive."
2) "Shiny" by the Decemberists, in Italian- "The Tawny of the gypsy of the girl, to sleep has covered from stars. From tilt-a-it turns where alone fumbling coyly entire we have been interfered with your blouse."
1) The UVA Drinking Song, in Spanish- "Of the way of rugbi to the hill of the vinegar, we're to go to obtain drunk tonight. Faculty's scared of us, knows we're in the right."
Cheers.
DG, out.
The Top Ten Best Babelized Song Lyrics
10) "Womanizer" by Britney Spears, using German- "Young one, don't try to confront, Ah ah, since I see straight which you are, ah ah"
9) "Bitches Ain't Shit" by Dr. Dre, using Portuguese- "Bitches aren't cagado but prostitutes and tricks. It licks in these nuts and it sucks one dick."
8) "So Says I" by the Shins, using Italian- "Of support in order to multiply itself, support in order to see in nocturnal skies. Not dreammed never of such sterile hands."
7) "Go Places" by the New Pornographers, in French- "Like a certain share d' Encina. Machina ex of Deus. Hello, Christina."
6) "Pledge of Allegiance" by Louis XIV, in German- "Little Stacy Q, if it does not have anything better to do, comes it to my house, in addition, let's maintenance between me and you."
5) "I Believe in a Thing Called Love" by the Darkness, in Italian- "There' probabilità dello S.A. potremmo ora farli, we' il ll è rockin' finchè il sole scende."
4) "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion, in German- "Where you are, I believe near one, far, which continues the heart."
3) "Stayin' Alive" by the BeeGees, in Italian- "Well we can't test of t in order understanding New York Times 's infuence sull' man. If you're with reference to a drug addict, or if you're king to obtain funky, you're king stayin' alive, stayin' alive."
2) "Shiny" by the Decemberists, in Italian- "The Tawny of the gypsy of the girl, to sleep has covered from stars. From tilt-a-it turns where alone fumbling coyly entire we have been interfered with your blouse."
1) The UVA Drinking Song, in Spanish- "Of the way of rugbi to the hill of the vinegar, we're to go to obtain drunk tonight. Faculty's scared of us, knows we're in the right."
Cheers.
DG, out.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Nominal Fail
Summer sucks.
I mean, no, summer’s great, I love summer, summer summer summer.
Unfortunately, for certain people, summer comes with long, hellish stretches of monotony. My colleagues and I are trapped in one of those right now. And it’s gonna be a while before the drought ends.
So, for some reason, this gets me thinking about things that depress or annoy me about otherwise interesting topics. Something I love is “naming.” Now, that sounds sort of silly, but hear me out. I’m a writer (fiction, drama, what-have-you), and the kind of writer I am is one obsessed with details. If I have a character, and s/he has to have a name, well damned if I’m not gonna give that character a name bloated with symbolic significance. Count on tiers of meaning, some so subtle and unnecessary and nerdy that no one except me will ever truly perceive them. I love names.
And so does the rest of the world. Sometimes, in the worst possible way. This is something I’ve noticed; a plague which does not so much affect friends of mine as distant acquaintances or celebrities – but still, it persists. Allow me to share with you, the—
(Note: This idea is not really mine: A close friend planted the seed in my mind. I am merely the man with the cerebral watering pale.)
TOP TEN NAMES CHILDREN WILL HATE THEIR PARENTS FOR AND WILL PROBABLY RESULT IN THEM BEING TEASED, OSTRACIZED, OR DEVELOPING A PSYCHOLOGICAL COMPLEX THAT WILL HAUNT THEM UNTIL THE DAY THEY DIE (in short)
1. Fo’nisha! – [Exclamation mark included nominally] This is, I guess, a sort of racist pet peeve of mine. It doesn’t apply only racially, but that’s certainly where I see it mostly popping up, though it’s starting to happen with a lot of unfortunate white girls too. Firstly, the name I used in this example is just hilarious, because it’s a homophone of Phoenicia, the ancient civilization. But more than that, it’s an example of how people, to get in touch with either their heritage or, moreso, their familial individuality, assign these ridiculous names, sometimes nigh-unpronounceable, to their children. These names are punctuated with exclamations, apostrophes, questions marks, and asterisks; they have no origins in reality. Sometimes they are the bastard children of French, English, Haitian, Hawaiian, Sudanese, and Esperanto. They are strange little nomenclatural hatchlings, wandering about with no idea of their own parentage. In some circles, they will be popular, but from the Johns and Janes and Bills, they will get only a look of alienation. The same goes for the recent fashion of switching up the spellings of normal names to create “uniqueness.” I swear, if I see another “Brytni” or “Ahshleeey” or something, I’m naming my son Josef Vissarionovich and we’re going to get rid of these people properly.*
*Extra points if you know what I mean, and EXTRA extra points if you’re not insulted by that statement. Hyperbole, people, hyperbole.
2. Ku Klux Klancy – I would probably pay someone with this name just to not stand near me. Even if he/she was the nicest, most charitable person around, there is nothing more unsafe that having a “Non-Kosher” name. And some parents do this. During World War II, it was, of course, very common practice for those hosen-wearing German folk, generally unaware their leader was a genocidal psychopath, to name their kids after him – or worse, to name their kids after all leaders of the Axis. This resulted in the unfortunate event of a few Adolf Benito Hirohito Von Schprekenzideutsches running around in the early 1950s. This would’ve been a little easier for them if half of Germany had not, in fact, been controlled by Nazi-hating Commie Russia. Those poor kids. Nowadays, some parent might still have some bright ideas about sticking it to the nomenclatural man. I’m sure there’s at least one child of a new-age 60s communist couple named Fidel Castro O’Reilly, or Che Guevara Jones. The mind boggles.
3. Doctor – This one’s odd. I actually know quite a few people “known” by their professions. Or, really, just the name of a profession. I know a “Doc” a “Doctor” a “Baron” and a “Professor.” I myself was very briefly known as “The Surgeon” (badassilly shortened to “The Surge” until we realized how not-badass that was). But still, giving kids the names of methods of employment can only lead to tragedy. It starts out simple, with Banker, Secretary, Mayor, Flautist, etc. But then we go into multi-word territory, and obscure job territory, and now it gets dirty.
4. Mortigaunt – Mmm, a classic technique. Give a child this name, and let me tell you what you’ve done. You just plastered, or possibly riveted, a bumper sticker to that child’s forehead saying “EVIL” in big, neon-red letters which glow under blacklight. D&D generation parents, or just people obsessed with movies, videogames, fantasy novels, may think giving a child an “EVIL” name is a guarantee of them becoming a Genghis-Khan-level world conqueror (or, um, a 15th Level Necromancer who took a class in Loner and another in Whoopass). But no; really, this is just going to cause all sorts of problems at school. I bet Sauron got picked on all the time as a kid because of how malevolent his name sounded. These poor kids have their career path picked out for them because of their birth certificates! Do you think Maleficent, Cruella de Ville, Grima Wormtongue, Saruman, and all these others ever had a point in their lives where they though “Y’know, maybe I could not be a horrific villain?” NO! They were doomed. I admire a few villains who changed their name from something less villain-y – Tom Riddle to Voldemort, and apparently The Lion King’s Scar originally had a less sinister name, until he turned into Jeremy Irons. (Note: Harry Potter still loses this game, based solely on the Epilogue of Deathly Hallows – what idiot thought it was a good idea to name a child SCORPIUS? That poor kid will be training his legos to do his genocidal bidding by age 5). Sometimes, people make their names evil, which can ruin it for others – Shakespeare and the Bible are particularly bad at this – good luck with naming your kid Judas, Goliath, Herod, Edmund, or Iago. Bad choices, people, bad choices.
5. Louie Louie (oh no!) – Another umbrella number. A caution against the occasional “unique” parental tactic of the Nomen Geminus © (that means, roughly, twin name, in Latin). People give children the same first name as their last. Now, in reality, this can work out great, if the last name is sort of a first name. Though it’s a bit risky, I don’t see a lot of problems with being “Thomas Thomas” or “Sylvester Sylvester” or even “James James.” It works and doesn’t work in fiction (i.e. Humbert Humbert) and in reality (Sirhan Sirhan?). However, the logical progression is not a happy place. Imagine a world of “O’Houlihan O’Houlihans” or “Von Hindenberg Von Hindenbergs.” It almost gets worse by country.
6. Euthanasia – This name is like a death sentence. I mean, not, like, a euthanizing-to-death sentence (damn coincidental phrase usage!). This is generally a problem daughters will have, not so much sons. The “ends with an A” thing can cause parents to think these are pretty, exotic names. Names like Anathema, Euphoria, Esoterica, and so forth. No, these names are not fair game. And if I hear one crack about how all the “Youth in Asia” are doing it . . .
7. Diligence – The practice of naming children after cardinal or theological virtues is hardly unpleasant. It has yielded some very pretty names. I for one find girls named “Hope,” “Faith,” “Charity,” or “Felicity” kind of cute. Then we get “Joy” and “Prudence.” And then, well, “Patience,” “Humility.” Now we’re in bad territory. Now the fundamentalist parents, desperate to instill some virtue in their nubile daughters through the rigors of naming, seek out some terrifying alternatives. Justice, Temperance, Liberality, Fortitude, and my two personal favorites, Chastity and Diligence. I pity the girl named Chastity. That’s gonna be awful for her college years. Even worse, imagine that poor, unfledged Episcopalian with the blonde curls, whose parents thought it might be nice to name her Virginity Brown. Oh, heaven help her. Heaven help us all.
8. You Knee Corn – Admittedly, I’ve never seen anything like this. But I assume it happens, and it’s just unfortunate. If you have a reasonable intellect, you figured out that “You Knee Corn” is just a silly homophonic version of “Unicorn.” This is an extreme example of a phenomena mentioned elsewhere in this list, with a twist. Some people want to give their kids names of “things,” (essentially meaning anything you would use as a category in your first query in a game of 20 Questions – animal, vegetable, or mineral), but they’re smart enough to know that naming their baby daughter “Daffodil” is a bit silly. Their alternative is MODERN SPELLING. Suddenly, Daffodil Adams becomes lovely Miss Daphodyl Adams. Which might be considered kosher in some circles, but I think it looks like something out of really poor Young Adult Fantasy. Extra Negative Credit for revised versions of precious stones – Saffyre, Jayde, Rooby, Ammathest. Generally, adding a Y to any name tends to make it worse, unless you’re replacing an existing Y with an I.
9. Laöcoön – Mmm, Greek names. I love Greek Mythology, as I love all mythology, as I am a lifeless receptacle for useless information. But naming kids after Greek myths has major downsides, cool as it might seem when you’re holding little Achilles or Perseus in your arms as he dribbles and drools his demigod-like saliva onto your arm. Greek names tend to be, well, Greek. Laocoon, one of my favorite minor mythic characters from the post-op of Homer’s Iliad, has a nigh-unpronounceable name. See those umlauts? No, it’s not “Lao-cooon.” It’s “Lay-oh-coo-on.” Four syllables, bitches. And there are worse. You know Hector, Paris, all those Trojan princes? Perhaps you don’t recall their unfortunate brother Deiphobus (day-ee-foe-bus)? And who could forget Asteropaios? Tlepolemus? How about Polyxena? Then again, this one has upsides. A lot of obscure Greek heroes also have pretty cool names. I happen to think Sarpedon (minor character from The Iliad) has a pretty kickass name. But for every Sarpedon, there’s eight Gorgythionedeses. Yeah.
10. Hjalmar – I only cite this because it is actually a very popular name in Scandinavian-area countries, such as Sweden, Norway, Denmark, the area of Lapland, etc. I actually love this name, and I think it’s great for all those Swedes/Norwegians/Danes/Polar Bears who live out there. But in the rest of the world, saying “And thou shalt henceforth be called Hjalmar!” is essentially a parent entering their child in the “Most Likely To Be a Viking Warlord” sweepstakes. Frankly, most names that end we “-ar.” Ragnar, Muldar, Kevlar. Okay, maybe not the last one. But still, do you really want your book-smart ten-year-old who’s into computer science and has thinks girls have cooties to grow up to be a village-burning, woman-raping, language-skill-lacking Viking? Do you really?
And that’s it. My carpal tunnel is too intense to write a witty closing statement. So, I’ll just wrap this up by saying; for the love of God, don’t tell the police about last Sunday. It was an accident, I swear!
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
One Day I Hope You Get the Chance to Live Like You Are Dead.
Hello again everybody! I'm quickly falling behind in blog frequency next to my two extremely enthusiastic colleagues, and since I'd hate to deprive our ravenous masses of mindlessly devoted fans of one moment of my faux-intellectual ramblings, I decided to cave into peer pressure like the sheep I am and churn out another list. This is one that I've actually been toying around with for quite some time, as the combination of morbid and comedic is sort of the baseline for my creative process. Yes ladies and gentlemen, (hahaha none of us are really that classy) I am talking about post-mortem plans.
Everyone has the discussion at one point about what they want to do with their bodies after they die. Some people are serious and unoriginal and want to be buried where they can rot next to their loved ones. Awwww how sweet but totally boring. On the other hand, I've heard many people, mostly nerds who think they're individualistic, declare to me and a group of people pretending to be their friends that they want "A full viking funeral! I want to be set on fire in a boat and set out to sea!" After which each of these aforementioned dorks will puff up their chests and wait for the positive feedback from their mindlessly supportive friends. I, being just as much of a social lemming as the rest of them, will reply with a short "hur hur yeah dat'd be awesome. Yur so kool fur wanding to do somding unconvendshonal!" But in my mind I'm secretly lumping them together with other people I now consider to be mindlessly boring parrots of the better ideas of others. Don't worry, you're probably not one of those people! (j/k!) Anyway, my plans are a liiiiittle different.
Now I hear a lot of people talk about having "Bucketlists" of things they want to do before they die, and yeah sure, if you want you can be like every other "Jimmy Loves-Life" and try and live life to the fullest if that's your thing, but personally I have other plans. I intend on living a largely meaningless and hedonistic life until I'm about... Oh lets say 37. Then I intend on dying from completely unnatural causes and letting the REAL fun begin. Yes that's right, my list is entirely of things I want to do AFTER I die! So without further ado
Top Ten Things I Want To Do After I'm Dead (a.k.a. The Kicked-The-Bucketlist)
1. Go Bungee Jumping - I include this one first because it is such a popular item on most peoples' "Before I Die" list, and I think it illustrates well how my list is different from theirs. See, I don't want to just have my body tied to a bungee and thrown off a bridge as this might suggest. No, I want my body tied to a bungee cord and tossed off the top of a building calculated just correctly so that the end of the fall will be just seven feet off the ground, and I want this done in the most crowded place possible. Now for this to work correctly, not only do I have to be dead, but I also have to have decayed considerably, because in the split second that people see the human remains plummeting toward their unsuspecting heads, I want them to be pelted with a light rain of green flesh and dislodged teeth, and a stench that will haunt their nightmares for years to come. Now I don't actually want to do this to be malicious, I want to do this because it would be equal parts hilarious and EXTREME! I think it should be video taped and then mailed simultaneously to both America's Funniest Videos and whatever über-masculine video submission show Spike TV is pumping out at my time of death. In fact, just to make this even cooler, I give whoever arranges this whole thing the go-ahead to light my body on fire first. Sure it's desecration of my own corpse, but I'm willing to take it for the sake of my legacy.
2. Throw A Surprise Funeral - Now this one actually has a few parts to it, because the at first none of the people involved should know what's going on. Now I'm not intending on killing myself, so most of this will have to be arranged by whoever finds my body with the intricate post-death requests tattooed on my back. Firstly, everyone I know would be invited to a huge party with some sort of over the top theme. Ostensibly this would be a surprise party for me, but the real purpose would just to get everyone together for the big reveal! Drinks, food, and most importantly a giant multi-layered cake would be gathered for the event, and everyone would eat and be marry all night long. My coordinator would finally tell them after an hour or so of waiting that "I was going to be late, and that they should just start eating the cake!" which would cause the whole crowd to go over towards the cake and begin to eat. At this point the band would break out into a loud rendition of "Carry on Wayward Son" and a trigger would go off, launching my dead body from it's hiding place inside the cake into the waiting arms of my friends and family! Shock, pain, loss, and COMEDY GOLD! Also it would be in my will as a final request that they finish the cake despite the circumstances, because people tend to do whatever dead people wanted them to do.
3. The Reverse Orphan - Ok, you know movies where someone leaves a baby on the doorstep of a nice house and then flees into the night, never to be heard from again, but leaves a note on the basket that says "Please take care of my little Grimply-Poo" Or whatever? Well this is like this, but I want my body to be left curled in the fetal position on the doorstep of a stranger, dressed up as a baby, with a note that says "We can no longer afford to feed this poor soul, but we hope you will find a place in your heart for him." Now just to make this plan even better, the next part would involve watching what the people do with the body. My guess would be that they get it taken away somehow. It would then be the job of whoever wants to inherit my doubtlessly vast sum of money to re-acquire the body and repeat the process on the same doorstep until the people treat me with the respect I deserve and take me into their family! Really mostly though I just think the reaction of finding a body and a note on your doorstep would be classic, and really I'd be doing them a service, because it would make for a great party story, and you can't buy those.
4. The "We Have Your Daughter" - This one is in a way similar to the Reverse Orphan in that it involves strangers, but is really much broader in it's scope of usefulness and possible creativity. Basically, after death, I would have my body cut into many many tiny little pieces and mailed to different people with varying letters attached. For my fingers, each of them will be mailed to a rich family kidnapper-style with a note along the lines of "We have your daughter! Send us 1 million dollars or we will kill her!" With my finger in the envelope for proof. Many of the other messages would be puns or romantic plots. For instance, if I have sons, I'll mail my ears to their girlfriends, because nothing says "You're my absolute favorite prostitute" like an ear in the mail. I'd mail my feet to friends with a note that says "Guess who's six feet under?" and a catchy hallmark card with a puppy. My head I'd mail to one of my teachers from middle or high school with a note saying "who said I'd never get ahead in life?!" This would be written on a "Happy Father's Day" card just to confuse them. I'd probably leave it up to my closest friends to think of funny ways to mail the other parts around. Or probably not. I have many years to plan this out.
5. Be Sour-Cremated - For this idea, basically it would start out as the standard cremation of the body, so in that way it's not that different from the normal joe schmoe's funeral, but after that the real fun would begin. I would want my ashes smuggled out of their little urn, and slipped bit by bit into the stomachs of taco bell customers through a special "extra topping" on their tacos which one of my children will have to put there. Now in order for this to work, I will have to train one of my many future children to believe that they will never be competent enough to succeed at anything but fast food distribution through a slow process of passive aggressive self-esteem destruction and a series of offhanded comments degrading their competence and physical looks/ability. This could very well ruin their entire life if done correctly, but one life would be worth allowing me to have one final effect on the lives of everyone around me. I would rejoin the circle of life as god intended it. (Insert Lion King Music here) Also help cause indigestion, which they probably deserve for eating at taco-bell.
6. The Carnival of Death! - For this one, I would simply find a theme park with a large enough ferris wheel, and pay them a few million dollars (I will have copious amounts of money when I die) to just let my corpse go around and around on the ferris wheel for... let's say a month. Actually, on second though, I'd do the exact same thing, but on an awesome roller coaster somewhere. Hell, I'll set it up so that an employee is payed each day to move my body to a new ride and just let it cycle around for a good long while. I really think that it would add a lot of flavor to the rides if little children getting on could see what appears to be someone who has just died sitting in the seat in front of them. Their parents who probably don't feel like getting their stomachs churned around after they've stuffed their faces with fried Twinkies and chicken, can just tell them, "Oh look, this ride KILLED a man!" You don't want to get on a ride that will kill you do you? Also the photo booth at the end of the line would be hilarious, always having one picture of a car full of freaked out kids and a dead man. I bet those would sell like hotcakes. Hell I'd probably be making money for the park. They should pay me for this idea!
7. Wish You A Marry Christmas - This one's really simple and doesn't really require much explanation. Basically I'd like my body dressed up like Santa Claus and stuffed in a chimney. Then the idea would be to arrange for a news team to pull my body out of the chimney on national television and declare to the world that "Santa Claus is dead" and then leave a note suggesting that since Christmas has been canceled forevermore, any child with half a brain should convert to Judaism or suffer no presents forevermore!I would also make sure that there were the remains of reindeer on the roof of the house. This would probably go over best around Christmas, but would probably be just as effective about a month afterwords. I like the idea that people will assume I've been there for a while.
8. Bring Joy To Children - To counterbalance the childhoods I'd be ruining with that last one, I'd also like to initiate a plan where my body is autopsied and all my organs removed and replaced with huge amounts of candy. I'd then be sewn back together, bursting at the seam with delicious treats just waiting to bring a twinkle to the eyes of larval men and women, salavating at the mere thought of my luscuous sugary treasures. My body would then be tossed out into the street, allowing it to pop and spray my tantelizing innards everywhere to be gobbled up by the eager hands and mouths of the greatful imps that frolic and prance in sugar-induced highs rivaling the legendary glucose benders of yore, and which from that point on, would only be spoken of in hushed wispers along with other such legends such as "The Big Rock Candy Mountain." This plan would also drive home my life-long hatred of diabetics. (not really guys!)
9. Be An Abomination Against God - I don't know if Frankenstein would actually work, but I'd love to be involved with something in the same vein. Maybe realistically I could just have my body sewn around a metallic skeleton which could then be mobilized by a series of pumps and levers to give it a lifelike appearance. I'd be sort of like a man-made zombie which would be ridiculously cool. Ideally, the new reanimated me would be able to walk on it's own, but only in a strange and stilted way that instantly makes people feel uneasy. My body would then be able to walk any of my daughters down the isle for their eventual weddings, which is really like the dream of any daughter with a dead father isn't it? "Oh if only he could be here!" Well I will be. My re-animated body could also be used for mundane tasks such as greeting visitors at the door of our house, or walking around carrying trays of cockails or weenies. The posibilities are really endless if you're creative enough.
10. Enter Politics - It used to be the big thing to use dead men's names to vote in elections for one side or the other when everything was run by political machines, I say if it's going to happen anyway why not go with the flow? Now of course I wouldn't let the general public know I was dead, but the basic idea behind the whole thing would be to aquie office somehow. Probably the easiest way to do so would be by buying a Chicago senate seat somehow and then always sending representatives to do the talking for me. My body could be propped up and made to look good for campaign posters, and any complexion problems that develop could be photoshopped out. I'm sure someone could go for this idea, since alot of politicians are just puppets anyway. I would just be a puppet in a more literal sense! At least it would give them a reason to keep my body looking good. Gotta be at my best for all those rallys! Ideally my head would finally fall off at a rally and the truth would come out, but before that I bet I could run a successful term or two.
Anyway that's about it for the things I want to do after death. If you have very weak reasoning skills you might not have noticed that many of these are mutually eclusive. Well the way I'm going to work around that is by deciding on which of them I want done before I'm dead and then making it clear in my will. I've mentioned several times that I'll be completely loaded by then, and it'll be a condition for inheritance that these things happen. Hell, alot of these aren't mutually exclusive. I just have to pick one of the ones that ends up with my body gone or mutilated and make that the final one.
As for how I die, I can promise you it won't be a suicide because that's just boring. I hope to die or be killed in a really cool way, but maybe that'll be a list for the future. I guess I'll just have to leave you all dying on the inside of anticipation until then. It'll probably not be that great anyway. Nothing is ever as great as I hype it up to be. Still, I like pretending I'm better at things than I am. It's a blast! Expect a list soon about American Sign Language! What Fun! Until then.
God'sLonelyMan out.
Everyone has the discussion at one point about what they want to do with their bodies after they die. Some people are serious and unoriginal and want to be buried where they can rot next to their loved ones. Awwww how sweet but totally boring. On the other hand, I've heard many people, mostly nerds who think they're individualistic, declare to me and a group of people pretending to be their friends that they want "A full viking funeral! I want to be set on fire in a boat and set out to sea!" After which each of these aforementioned dorks will puff up their chests and wait for the positive feedback from their mindlessly supportive friends. I, being just as much of a social lemming as the rest of them, will reply with a short "hur hur yeah dat'd be awesome. Yur so kool fur wanding to do somding unconvendshonal!" But in my mind I'm secretly lumping them together with other people I now consider to be mindlessly boring parrots of the better ideas of others. Don't worry, you're probably not one of those people! (j/k!) Anyway, my plans are a liiiiittle different.
Now I hear a lot of people talk about having "Bucketlists" of things they want to do before they die, and yeah sure, if you want you can be like every other "Jimmy Loves-Life" and try and live life to the fullest if that's your thing, but personally I have other plans. I intend on living a largely meaningless and hedonistic life until I'm about... Oh lets say 37. Then I intend on dying from completely unnatural causes and letting the REAL fun begin. Yes that's right, my list is entirely of things I want to do AFTER I die! So without further ado
Top Ten Things I Want To Do After I'm Dead (a.k.a. The Kicked-The-Bucketlist)
1. Go Bungee Jumping - I include this one first because it is such a popular item on most peoples' "Before I Die" list, and I think it illustrates well how my list is different from theirs. See, I don't want to just have my body tied to a bungee and thrown off a bridge as this might suggest. No, I want my body tied to a bungee cord and tossed off the top of a building calculated just correctly so that the end of the fall will be just seven feet off the ground, and I want this done in the most crowded place possible. Now for this to work correctly, not only do I have to be dead, but I also have to have decayed considerably, because in the split second that people see the human remains plummeting toward their unsuspecting heads, I want them to be pelted with a light rain of green flesh and dislodged teeth, and a stench that will haunt their nightmares for years to come. Now I don't actually want to do this to be malicious, I want to do this because it would be equal parts hilarious and EXTREME! I think it should be video taped and then mailed simultaneously to both America's Funniest Videos and whatever über-masculine video submission show Spike TV is pumping out at my time of death. In fact, just to make this even cooler, I give whoever arranges this whole thing the go-ahead to light my body on fire first. Sure it's desecration of my own corpse, but I'm willing to take it for the sake of my legacy.
2. Throw A Surprise Funeral - Now this one actually has a few parts to it, because the at first none of the people involved should know what's going on. Now I'm not intending on killing myself, so most of this will have to be arranged by whoever finds my body with the intricate post-death requests tattooed on my back. Firstly, everyone I know would be invited to a huge party with some sort of over the top theme. Ostensibly this would be a surprise party for me, but the real purpose would just to get everyone together for the big reveal! Drinks, food, and most importantly a giant multi-layered cake would be gathered for the event, and everyone would eat and be marry all night long. My coordinator would finally tell them after an hour or so of waiting that "I was going to be late, and that they should just start eating the cake!" which would cause the whole crowd to go over towards the cake and begin to eat. At this point the band would break out into a loud rendition of "Carry on Wayward Son" and a trigger would go off, launching my dead body from it's hiding place inside the cake into the waiting arms of my friends and family! Shock, pain, loss, and COMEDY GOLD! Also it would be in my will as a final request that they finish the cake despite the circumstances, because people tend to do whatever dead people wanted them to do.
3. The Reverse Orphan - Ok, you know movies where someone leaves a baby on the doorstep of a nice house and then flees into the night, never to be heard from again, but leaves a note on the basket that says "Please take care of my little Grimply-Poo" Or whatever? Well this is like this, but I want my body to be left curled in the fetal position on the doorstep of a stranger, dressed up as a baby, with a note that says "We can no longer afford to feed this poor soul, but we hope you will find a place in your heart for him." Now just to make this plan even better, the next part would involve watching what the people do with the body. My guess would be that they get it taken away somehow. It would then be the job of whoever wants to inherit my doubtlessly vast sum of money to re-acquire the body and repeat the process on the same doorstep until the people treat me with the respect I deserve and take me into their family! Really mostly though I just think the reaction of finding a body and a note on your doorstep would be classic, and really I'd be doing them a service, because it would make for a great party story, and you can't buy those.
4. The "We Have Your Daughter" - This one is in a way similar to the Reverse Orphan in that it involves strangers, but is really much broader in it's scope of usefulness and possible creativity. Basically, after death, I would have my body cut into many many tiny little pieces and mailed to different people with varying letters attached. For my fingers, each of them will be mailed to a rich family kidnapper-style with a note along the lines of "We have your daughter! Send us 1 million dollars or we will kill her!" With my finger in the envelope for proof. Many of the other messages would be puns or romantic plots. For instance, if I have sons, I'll mail my ears to their girlfriends, because nothing says "You're my absolute favorite prostitute" like an ear in the mail. I'd mail my feet to friends with a note that says "Guess who's six feet under?" and a catchy hallmark card with a puppy. My head I'd mail to one of my teachers from middle or high school with a note saying "who said I'd never get ahead in life?!" This would be written on a "Happy Father's Day" card just to confuse them. I'd probably leave it up to my closest friends to think of funny ways to mail the other parts around. Or probably not. I have many years to plan this out.
5. Be Sour-Cremated - For this idea, basically it would start out as the standard cremation of the body, so in that way it's not that different from the normal joe schmoe's funeral, but after that the real fun would begin. I would want my ashes smuggled out of their little urn, and slipped bit by bit into the stomachs of taco bell customers through a special "extra topping" on their tacos which one of my children will have to put there. Now in order for this to work, I will have to train one of my many future children to believe that they will never be competent enough to succeed at anything but fast food distribution through a slow process of passive aggressive self-esteem destruction and a series of offhanded comments degrading their competence and physical looks/ability. This could very well ruin their entire life if done correctly, but one life would be worth allowing me to have one final effect on the lives of everyone around me. I would rejoin the circle of life as god intended it. (Insert Lion King Music here) Also help cause indigestion, which they probably deserve for eating at taco-bell.
6. The Carnival of Death! - For this one, I would simply find a theme park with a large enough ferris wheel, and pay them a few million dollars (I will have copious amounts of money when I die) to just let my corpse go around and around on the ferris wheel for... let's say a month. Actually, on second though, I'd do the exact same thing, but on an awesome roller coaster somewhere. Hell, I'll set it up so that an employee is payed each day to move my body to a new ride and just let it cycle around for a good long while. I really think that it would add a lot of flavor to the rides if little children getting on could see what appears to be someone who has just died sitting in the seat in front of them. Their parents who probably don't feel like getting their stomachs churned around after they've stuffed their faces with fried Twinkies and chicken, can just tell them, "Oh look, this ride KILLED a man!" You don't want to get on a ride that will kill you do you? Also the photo booth at the end of the line would be hilarious, always having one picture of a car full of freaked out kids and a dead man. I bet those would sell like hotcakes. Hell I'd probably be making money for the park. They should pay me for this idea!
7. Wish You A Marry Christmas - This one's really simple and doesn't really require much explanation. Basically I'd like my body dressed up like Santa Claus and stuffed in a chimney. Then the idea would be to arrange for a news team to pull my body out of the chimney on national television and declare to the world that "Santa Claus is dead" and then leave a note suggesting that since Christmas has been canceled forevermore, any child with half a brain should convert to Judaism or suffer no presents forevermore!I would also make sure that there were the remains of reindeer on the roof of the house. This would probably go over best around Christmas, but would probably be just as effective about a month afterwords. I like the idea that people will assume I've been there for a while.
8. Bring Joy To Children - To counterbalance the childhoods I'd be ruining with that last one, I'd also like to initiate a plan where my body is autopsied and all my organs removed and replaced with huge amounts of candy. I'd then be sewn back together, bursting at the seam with delicious treats just waiting to bring a twinkle to the eyes of larval men and women, salavating at the mere thought of my luscuous sugary treasures. My body would then be tossed out into the street, allowing it to pop and spray my tantelizing innards everywhere to be gobbled up by the eager hands and mouths of the greatful imps that frolic and prance in sugar-induced highs rivaling the legendary glucose benders of yore, and which from that point on, would only be spoken of in hushed wispers along with other such legends such as "The Big Rock Candy Mountain." This plan would also drive home my life-long hatred of diabetics. (not really guys!)
9. Be An Abomination Against God - I don't know if Frankenstein would actually work, but I'd love to be involved with something in the same vein. Maybe realistically I could just have my body sewn around a metallic skeleton which could then be mobilized by a series of pumps and levers to give it a lifelike appearance. I'd be sort of like a man-made zombie which would be ridiculously cool. Ideally, the new reanimated me would be able to walk on it's own, but only in a strange and stilted way that instantly makes people feel uneasy. My body would then be able to walk any of my daughters down the isle for their eventual weddings, which is really like the dream of any daughter with a dead father isn't it? "Oh if only he could be here!" Well I will be. My re-animated body could also be used for mundane tasks such as greeting visitors at the door of our house, or walking around carrying trays of cockails or weenies. The posibilities are really endless if you're creative enough.
10. Enter Politics - It used to be the big thing to use dead men's names to vote in elections for one side or the other when everything was run by political machines, I say if it's going to happen anyway why not go with the flow? Now of course I wouldn't let the general public know I was dead, but the basic idea behind the whole thing would be to aquie office somehow. Probably the easiest way to do so would be by buying a Chicago senate seat somehow and then always sending representatives to do the talking for me. My body could be propped up and made to look good for campaign posters, and any complexion problems that develop could be photoshopped out. I'm sure someone could go for this idea, since alot of politicians are just puppets anyway. I would just be a puppet in a more literal sense! At least it would give them a reason to keep my body looking good. Gotta be at my best for all those rallys! Ideally my head would finally fall off at a rally and the truth would come out, but before that I bet I could run a successful term or two.
Anyway that's about it for the things I want to do after death. If you have very weak reasoning skills you might not have noticed that many of these are mutually eclusive. Well the way I'm going to work around that is by deciding on which of them I want done before I'm dead and then making it clear in my will. I've mentioned several times that I'll be completely loaded by then, and it'll be a condition for inheritance that these things happen. Hell, alot of these aren't mutually exclusive. I just have to pick one of the ones that ends up with my body gone or mutilated and make that the final one.
As for how I die, I can promise you it won't be a suicide because that's just boring. I hope to die or be killed in a really cool way, but maybe that'll be a list for the future. I guess I'll just have to leave you all dying on the inside of anticipation until then. It'll probably not be that great anyway. Nothing is ever as great as I hype it up to be. Still, I like pretending I'm better at things than I am. It's a blast! Expect a list soon about American Sign Language! What Fun! Until then.
God'sLonelyMan out.
Of Woodcuts and Great Old Ones
I’m no good at thinking during the summer. I realized this recently. When not in an academic setting, my brain becomes a finely-granulated slurry, which could probably be put in a kiln and used to make grayish lawn gnomes, or elementary school pottery (you know, those really ugly amphorae you have to give your mom on Mother’s Day after you got an easy A on it in art class?....my metaphor got away from me).
So, I’m settling on a fallback – thievery! My colleague Miss Rossetti mentioned hentai in her post, a favorite subject of so many people (erm?). I would point out the very drawn-out irony of her nom-de-plum being Rossetti (referring to Dante Gabriel), shared with Christina Rossetti, the poetess who wrote “Goblin Market” in which a girl is disturbingly molested by a bunch of anthropomorphic goblins armed with…berries and fruit, used in a seductive fashion. But I’ve thought this out too much. Subtext, subtext. Maybe my associate is, in fact, a closet…something. I have no idea.
Anyway, this all brings me to:
TOP TEN USES OF TENTACLES
Why? Because. That’s why. These are in no particular order, but number one is definitely number one.
1. Conquering the Known Universe (Cthulhu): The undisputed winner of anything and everything having to do with tentacles. H. P. Lovecraft was the Emperor of Tentacles – I don’t know how much he liked that title, but it stuck (Get it? Stuck? Get it?....Philistines). Everyone should know Cthulhu. If you do not, be assured, Cthulhu knows you. In his house at Ry’leh dead C’thulhu waits dreaming, the Great Old One, the dreaded, sticky spawn of the stars, his tentacles many and horrible, each one of them more powerful than a thousand lesser deities. Cthulhu is greater than you and me. His tentacles are greater than you and me. We all serve the Great One. In the eldritch days to come, the crimson millennia, he will awaken from his terrible slumber to flay our minds with his very presence, and—
But I digress.
Vote Cthulhu n 2012.
2. Conquering a Fictional Universe: This one is kind of an umbrella bullet point. I mean, what fictional alien race HASN’T employed tentacles at one point? The best examples I can think of are the Ing from the Metroid games, and the Tripods from H. G. Wells’ War of the Worlds, who were so obsessed with tentacles that they actually put tentacles on their machines, even though they already had tentacles on their bodies. I mean, in the books. Also, those crazy aliens from Hellboy who got inside Grigori Rasputin. Any tentacle that can get inside Grigori Rasputin is okay in my book.
3. Causing the Death of Sailors and/or Pirates (The Kraken): This is any Kraken I’m referring to. Generally, most people associate the mythological Kraken with the recent Pirates of the Caribbean movies. Okay, that was an impressive CGI Kraken, but that is not my image of the Kraken. Based on most folkoric descriptions, the Kraken was not the kind of thing you could defeat with canons and gunpowder. A holdover from Biblical times, the Kraken was an impossibly huge tentacle-monster, so big that it could destroy ships without leaving its home at the floor of the ocean. Now those are long fucking tentacles. Anyway, this is a little more kin to the proper size of the Kraken.
(http://beatledude.files.wordpress.com/2008/08/kraken.jpg)
Yeah. The Kraken could use a single tentacle to swat a trio of ships without even really exerting muscular force. Moving the tip of one sucky tendril above the surface would create enough of a wave to capsize anything smaller than the Titanic.
4. Causing the Death of Nerds (C’Thun’s Tentacles): Admittedly a cheap ripoff of a certain Elder God, but still. In World of Warcraft (don’t groan – of course you’re a nerd, you’re on the internet!), C’Thun is an Old God, living in the bowels of, um, The Temple of Ahn’qiraj. Yeah, I remember it all. Essentially another Cthulhu ripoff, C’Thun is a combination of all your tentacular fears and Sauron from the Lord of the Ring Movies – a giant, lidless, lazer-shooting eyeball who has thousands of little tentacles which spurt from the ground and cause accumulated damage. God, those tentacles sucked. Anyway, C’Thun also had tentacles inside him – his belly was a room of its own, because he was so gigantic – and, when you finally kill him, there is a probability he will drop one of his smaller tentacles, which can be used as a MAGICAL BELT. This is awesome.
5. Being the Last Vestige of an Alien Race (Octopus God): No, I’m not talking about what you think. This I just learned. Hawaii is not well known for its mythology, but most cultures have a Creation Myth (titanomachy for Greeks, Adam and Eve for Christianity, so forth). Well, the Hawaiian creation myth is a little iffy, but it has one fun element. According to it, this universe is a revamp of a past universe, which was itself also one element of a series of failed universes. The best thing about this – the theory is, the octopus is the only element of that previous universe which remains in ours. Octopi are apparently so crazy that they’re not even from this physical and spiritual universe. So, tentacles = being older than time itself. Great.
6. Being Doctor Octopus (Doc Ock): Few people will ever need to know the items on this list, but Dock Ock clearly would take them all to heart, if he didn’t know every conceivable use of tentacles already. Now, Doc Ock, more properly known as Otto Gunther Octavius alias Doctor Octopus, uses his tentacles primarily to commit crimes, and cause trouble for superheroes. But he also just uses them for mundane purposes, like walking, making tea, and probably his various scholastic pursuits. Imagine an astute guy, sitting in his study, perhaps sipping some Earl Gray, simultaneously reading four different books. I mean, his mind was only human, but he could at least be turning all the pages simultaneously, with some difficulty. Imagine how helpful having robo-tentacles would be to a college student writing a term paper! You have no idea how much I’ve thought about this.
7. Creating Gastronomical Satisfaction (Calamari): Not everyone agrees, but I think eating tentacles is a great use. Disagree with me? Well, let me just point you to some of the other items on this list. I bet Cthulhu would be really offended if you told him his slippery mini-brethren weren’t tasty.
8. Wrestling With Human Beings (Octopus Wrestling): Yes, the World Octopus Wrestling Championships were held in Puget Sound in the 1960s, where divers actually wrestled with octopi and other tentacled creatures, for prizes. Mostly, the humans won, having certain unfair advantages, but still – imagine the possibilities. This has “bad horror movie” written all over it. I wish this tradition had not been discontinued. You would definitely find me amongst the spectators, cautiously gnoshing on sashimi and cheering on my Eight-Legged Masters. Uh, I mean…
9. Winning Hockey Games (The Detroit Red Wings – boldness arbitrary): I knew about this one, but perhaps you did not. The Detroit Red Wings (that’s a hockey team, if you’re like me and know next to nothing about sports) used to throw a live octopus onto the surface of the ice at home games for good luck. The eight tentacles were apparently symbolic. Anyway, this started a swath of other “Let’s Throw Things” good-luck-charms for hockey teams, including heaving chunks of beef, scattering toy rats, chucking catfish, and hurling…leopard sharks. Well, the octopus is still the best. Who knew tentacles could make you good at sports? Now you do.
10. Creating Massive Arousal (Tentacle Porn): I suppose this is a bit misleading. I personally am not turned on by tentacles. Few people are. But honestly, is there any fetish more ballsy than this? The whole concept of tentacle porn combines bestiality, rape fantasies (about 50% of the time), xenophilia, and just a lot of other weird things. I mean, remember that most tentacled creatures are (a) not mammals and (b) are invertebrates; that’s all kinds of crazy.
A Brief History: Tentacle porn originates (graphically – I mean, literally graphically, not …never mind) with an 1820 woodcut by Katsushika Hokusai, with a fisherman’s nubile wife having some jaunty “aquatic fun-time” with a huge-eyed tentacle thing; maybe an octopus, but its eyes say otherwise. Trust me, I’ve seen the picture, and it’s not pleasant. Since Mister Hokusai, tentacle porn – or rather, portrayals of intercourse with tentacles with symbolic or spiritual meaning – has thrived. Nowadays, you can find what I like to call “Sextentacles” or just “Sextacles” in sci-fi, anime, manga, film, TV, and more. In fact, tentacle porn is pretty kosher in Japan, and other countries are acclimatizing to it (and, of course, there are niche fetishist groups in every country dedicated to it). Then again, Japan also gave us Audition, pokemon, and Godzilla vs. Megalon. Judge for yourselves.
And hey, no more tentacles. You’re probably quite happy to never have to see this list, ever again. Well, you’re welcome.
For a bit of fun, enjoy Neil Gaiman (of American Gods and the unstoppably popular graphic novel Sandman) and his humorous take on the Cthulhu tentacle mythos: “I, Cthulhu” http://www.neilgaiman.com/p/Cool_Stuff/Short_Stories/I_Cthulhu
Trying to think of another list, maybe one with artistic substance;
Very Like a Whale, out.
10 Innocuous Songs (or Are They??)
Are these songs about secret fetishes? You be the judge....
10. Pour Some Sugar on Me- Def Leppard-Snack Fetish. Pure and Simple. Nomnomnom...
9. P.D.A. (We Just Don't Care)-John Legend-This one's almost too easy. Exhibitionism never sounded this sultry before.....mmmmm fire escapes.
8. Don't Speak- No Doubt-This gives new meaning to the phrase "gag order"
7. You and Me and the Moon- The Magnetic Fields-Astrology Fetish. What's your sign, baby? Wanna have a three way with the Moon?
6. We Will Vacation, You Will Be My Parasol- Be Your Own Pet-I believe this title says it all...
5. Octopus' Garden- The Beatles-Hentai. Hentai. Hentai.
4. Same Jeans- The View- Do dirty clothes fetishes exist? Well, by the laws of Teh Interwebz, they do now.
3. Big Mouth Strikes Again- The Smiths Mmmm, BDSM and fellatio in one song. And sung by Morrisey?! Well, you don't say....
2. Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto- Styx -Again with Teh Interwebz.
1. Too Hard to Handle- The Black Crowes- Delicious BDSM
As a low culture aficionado, and someone who only listens to the tail end of sentences (waiiit, what about the course of human events, now?) I often find myself misconstruing things. Admittedly, I don't actually believe any of these, but aren't they droll? And convincing, when you think about it....
Summer boredom. Delicious.
DG, out
10. Pour Some Sugar on Me- Def Leppard-Snack Fetish. Pure and Simple. Nomnomnom...
9. P.D.A. (We Just Don't Care)-John Legend-This one's almost too easy. Exhibitionism never sounded this sultry before.....mmmmm fire escapes.
8. Don't Speak- No Doubt-This gives new meaning to the phrase "gag order"
7. You and Me and the Moon- The Magnetic Fields-Astrology Fetish. What's your sign, baby? Wanna have a three way with the Moon?
6. We Will Vacation, You Will Be My Parasol- Be Your Own Pet-I believe this title says it all...
5. Octopus' Garden- The Beatles-Hentai. Hentai. Hentai.
4. Same Jeans- The View- Do dirty clothes fetishes exist? Well, by the laws of Teh Interwebz, they do now.
3. Big Mouth Strikes Again- The Smiths Mmmm, BDSM and fellatio in one song. And sung by Morrisey?! Well, you don't say....
2. Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto- Styx -Again with Teh Interwebz.
1. Too Hard to Handle- The Black Crowes- Delicious BDSM
As a low culture aficionado, and someone who only listens to the tail end of sentences (waiiit, what about the course of human events, now?) I often find myself misconstruing things. Admittedly, I don't actually believe any of these, but aren't they droll? And convincing, when you think about it....
Summer boredom. Delicious.
DG, out
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