I’m no good at thinking during the summer. I realized this recently. When not in an academic setting, my brain becomes a finely-granulated slurry, which could probably be put in a kiln and used to make grayish lawn gnomes, or elementary school pottery (you know, those really ugly amphorae you have to give your mom on Mother’s Day after you got an easy A on it in art class?....my metaphor got away from me).
So, I’m settling on a fallback – thievery! My colleague Miss Rossetti mentioned hentai in her post, a favorite subject of so many people (erm?). I would point out the very drawn-out irony of her nom-de-plum being Rossetti (referring to Dante Gabriel), shared with Christina Rossetti, the poetess who wrote “Goblin Market” in which a girl is disturbingly molested by a bunch of anthropomorphic goblins armed with…berries and fruit, used in a seductive fashion. But I’ve thought this out too much. Subtext, subtext. Maybe my associate is, in fact, a closet…something. I have no idea.
Anyway, this all brings me to:
TOP TEN USES OF TENTACLES
Why? Because. That’s why. These are in no particular order, but number one is definitely number one.
1. Conquering the Known Universe (Cthulhu): The undisputed winner of anything and everything having to do with tentacles. H. P. Lovecraft was the Emperor of Tentacles – I don’t know how much he liked that title, but it stuck (Get it? Stuck? Get it?....Philistines). Everyone should know Cthulhu. If you do not, be assured, Cthulhu knows you. In his house at Ry’leh dead C’thulhu waits dreaming, the Great Old One, the dreaded, sticky spawn of the stars, his tentacles many and horrible, each one of them more powerful than a thousand lesser deities. Cthulhu is greater than you and me. His tentacles are greater than you and me. We all serve the Great One. In the eldritch days to come, the crimson millennia, he will awaken from his terrible slumber to flay our minds with his very presence, and—
But I digress.
Vote Cthulhu n 2012.
2. Conquering a Fictional Universe: This one is kind of an umbrella bullet point. I mean, what fictional alien race HASN’T employed tentacles at one point? The best examples I can think of are the Ing from the Metroid games, and the Tripods from H. G. Wells’ War of the Worlds, who were so obsessed with tentacles that they actually put tentacles on their machines, even though they already had tentacles on their bodies. I mean, in the books. Also, those crazy aliens from Hellboy who got inside Grigori Rasputin. Any tentacle that can get inside Grigori Rasputin is okay in my book.
3. Causing the Death of Sailors and/or Pirates (The Kraken): This is any Kraken I’m referring to. Generally, most people associate the mythological Kraken with the recent Pirates of the Caribbean movies. Okay, that was an impressive CGI Kraken, but that is not my image of the Kraken. Based on most folkoric descriptions, the Kraken was not the kind of thing you could defeat with canons and gunpowder. A holdover from Biblical times, the Kraken was an impossibly huge tentacle-monster, so big that it could destroy ships without leaving its home at the floor of the ocean. Now those are long fucking tentacles. Anyway, this is a little more kin to the proper size of the Kraken.
(http://beatledude.files.wordpress.com/2008/08/kraken.jpg)
Yeah. The Kraken could use a single tentacle to swat a trio of ships without even really exerting muscular force. Moving the tip of one sucky tendril above the surface would create enough of a wave to capsize anything smaller than the Titanic.
4. Causing the Death of Nerds (C’Thun’s Tentacles): Admittedly a cheap ripoff of a certain Elder God, but still. In World of Warcraft (don’t groan – of course you’re a nerd, you’re on the internet!), C’Thun is an Old God, living in the bowels of, um, The Temple of Ahn’qiraj. Yeah, I remember it all. Essentially another Cthulhu ripoff, C’Thun is a combination of all your tentacular fears and Sauron from the Lord of the Ring Movies – a giant, lidless, lazer-shooting eyeball who has thousands of little tentacles which spurt from the ground and cause accumulated damage. God, those tentacles sucked. Anyway, C’Thun also had tentacles inside him – his belly was a room of its own, because he was so gigantic – and, when you finally kill him, there is a probability he will drop one of his smaller tentacles, which can be used as a MAGICAL BELT. This is awesome.
5. Being the Last Vestige of an Alien Race (Octopus God): No, I’m not talking about what you think. This I just learned. Hawaii is not well known for its mythology, but most cultures have a Creation Myth (titanomachy for Greeks, Adam and Eve for Christianity, so forth). Well, the Hawaiian creation myth is a little iffy, but it has one fun element. According to it, this universe is a revamp of a past universe, which was itself also one element of a series of failed universes. The best thing about this – the theory is, the octopus is the only element of that previous universe which remains in ours. Octopi are apparently so crazy that they’re not even from this physical and spiritual universe. So, tentacles = being older than time itself. Great.
6. Being Doctor Octopus (Doc Ock): Few people will ever need to know the items on this list, but Dock Ock clearly would take them all to heart, if he didn’t know every conceivable use of tentacles already. Now, Doc Ock, more properly known as Otto Gunther Octavius alias Doctor Octopus, uses his tentacles primarily to commit crimes, and cause trouble for superheroes. But he also just uses them for mundane purposes, like walking, making tea, and probably his various scholastic pursuits. Imagine an astute guy, sitting in his study, perhaps sipping some Earl Gray, simultaneously reading four different books. I mean, his mind was only human, but he could at least be turning all the pages simultaneously, with some difficulty. Imagine how helpful having robo-tentacles would be to a college student writing a term paper! You have no idea how much I’ve thought about this.
7. Creating Gastronomical Satisfaction (Calamari): Not everyone agrees, but I think eating tentacles is a great use. Disagree with me? Well, let me just point you to some of the other items on this list. I bet Cthulhu would be really offended if you told him his slippery mini-brethren weren’t tasty.
8. Wrestling With Human Beings (Octopus Wrestling): Yes, the World Octopus Wrestling Championships were held in Puget Sound in the 1960s, where divers actually wrestled with octopi and other tentacled creatures, for prizes. Mostly, the humans won, having certain unfair advantages, but still – imagine the possibilities. This has “bad horror movie” written all over it. I wish this tradition had not been discontinued. You would definitely find me amongst the spectators, cautiously gnoshing on sashimi and cheering on my Eight-Legged Masters. Uh, I mean…
9. Winning Hockey Games (The Detroit Red Wings – boldness arbitrary): I knew about this one, but perhaps you did not. The Detroit Red Wings (that’s a hockey team, if you’re like me and know next to nothing about sports) used to throw a live octopus onto the surface of the ice at home games for good luck. The eight tentacles were apparently symbolic. Anyway, this started a swath of other “Let’s Throw Things” good-luck-charms for hockey teams, including heaving chunks of beef, scattering toy rats, chucking catfish, and hurling…leopard sharks. Well, the octopus is still the best. Who knew tentacles could make you good at sports? Now you do.
10. Creating Massive Arousal (Tentacle Porn): I suppose this is a bit misleading. I personally am not turned on by tentacles. Few people are. But honestly, is there any fetish more ballsy than this? The whole concept of tentacle porn combines bestiality, rape fantasies (about 50% of the time), xenophilia, and just a lot of other weird things. I mean, remember that most tentacled creatures are (a) not mammals and (b) are invertebrates; that’s all kinds of crazy.
A Brief History: Tentacle porn originates (graphically – I mean, literally graphically, not …never mind) with an 1820 woodcut by Katsushika Hokusai, with a fisherman’s nubile wife having some jaunty “aquatic fun-time” with a huge-eyed tentacle thing; maybe an octopus, but its eyes say otherwise. Trust me, I’ve seen the picture, and it’s not pleasant. Since Mister Hokusai, tentacle porn – or rather, portrayals of intercourse with tentacles with symbolic or spiritual meaning – has thrived. Nowadays, you can find what I like to call “Sextentacles” or just “Sextacles” in sci-fi, anime, manga, film, TV, and more. In fact, tentacle porn is pretty kosher in Japan, and other countries are acclimatizing to it (and, of course, there are niche fetishist groups in every country dedicated to it). Then again, Japan also gave us Audition, pokemon, and Godzilla vs. Megalon. Judge for yourselves.
And hey, no more tentacles. You’re probably quite happy to never have to see this list, ever again. Well, you’re welcome.
For a bit of fun, enjoy Neil Gaiman (of American Gods and the unstoppably popular graphic novel Sandman) and his humorous take on the Cthulhu tentacle mythos: “I, Cthulhu” http://www.neilgaiman.com/p/Cool_Stuff/Short_Stories/I_Cthulhu
Trying to think of another list, maybe one with artistic substance;
Very Like a Whale, out.
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