So, whilst visiting the pastoral home of my equally pastoral boyfriend (make all your hay-rolling jokes now, you cretins, I see you making them) we stumbled upon Babelizer a funny little site that translates things from English, into the foreign tongue of your choice, and back again (remember the "faculty is diffidando" incident? This just removes all the effort that took). And so, I present to you....
The Top Ten Best Babelized Song Lyrics
10) "Womanizer" by Britney Spears, using German- "Young one, don't try to confront, Ah ah, since I see straight which you are, ah ah"
9) "Bitches Ain't Shit" by Dr. Dre, using Portuguese- "Bitches aren't cagado but prostitutes and tricks. It licks in these nuts and it sucks one dick."
8) "So Says I" by the Shins, using Italian- "Of support in order to multiply itself, support in order to see in nocturnal skies. Not dreammed never of such sterile hands."
7) "Go Places" by the New Pornographers, in French- "Like a certain share d' Encina. Machina ex of Deus. Hello, Christina."
6) "Pledge of Allegiance" by Louis XIV, in German- "Little Stacy Q, if it does not have anything better to do, comes it to my house, in addition, let's maintenance between me and you."
5) "I Believe in a Thing Called Love" by the Darkness, in Italian- "There' probabilità dello S.A. potremmo ora farli, we' il ll è rockin' finchè il sole scende."
4) "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion, in German- "Where you are, I believe near one, far, which continues the heart."
3) "Stayin' Alive" by the BeeGees, in Italian- "Well we can't test of t in order understanding New York Times 's infuence sull' man. If you're with reference to a drug addict, or if you're king to obtain funky, you're king stayin' alive, stayin' alive."
2) "Shiny" by the Decemberists, in Italian- "The Tawny of the gypsy of the girl, to sleep has covered from stars. From tilt-a-it turns where alone fumbling coyly entire we have been interfered with your blouse."
1) The UVA Drinking Song, in Spanish- "Of the way of rugbi to the hill of the vinegar, we're to go to obtain drunk tonight. Faculty's scared of us, knows we're in the right."
Cheers.
DG, out.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Nominal Fail
Summer sucks.
I mean, no, summer’s great, I love summer, summer summer summer.
Unfortunately, for certain people, summer comes with long, hellish stretches of monotony. My colleagues and I are trapped in one of those right now. And it’s gonna be a while before the drought ends.
So, for some reason, this gets me thinking about things that depress or annoy me about otherwise interesting topics. Something I love is “naming.” Now, that sounds sort of silly, but hear me out. I’m a writer (fiction, drama, what-have-you), and the kind of writer I am is one obsessed with details. If I have a character, and s/he has to have a name, well damned if I’m not gonna give that character a name bloated with symbolic significance. Count on tiers of meaning, some so subtle and unnecessary and nerdy that no one except me will ever truly perceive them. I love names.
And so does the rest of the world. Sometimes, in the worst possible way. This is something I’ve noticed; a plague which does not so much affect friends of mine as distant acquaintances or celebrities – but still, it persists. Allow me to share with you, the—
(Note: This idea is not really mine: A close friend planted the seed in my mind. I am merely the man with the cerebral watering pale.)
TOP TEN NAMES CHILDREN WILL HATE THEIR PARENTS FOR AND WILL PROBABLY RESULT IN THEM BEING TEASED, OSTRACIZED, OR DEVELOPING A PSYCHOLOGICAL COMPLEX THAT WILL HAUNT THEM UNTIL THE DAY THEY DIE (in short)
1. Fo’nisha! – [Exclamation mark included nominally] This is, I guess, a sort of racist pet peeve of mine. It doesn’t apply only racially, but that’s certainly where I see it mostly popping up, though it’s starting to happen with a lot of unfortunate white girls too. Firstly, the name I used in this example is just hilarious, because it’s a homophone of Phoenicia, the ancient civilization. But more than that, it’s an example of how people, to get in touch with either their heritage or, moreso, their familial individuality, assign these ridiculous names, sometimes nigh-unpronounceable, to their children. These names are punctuated with exclamations, apostrophes, questions marks, and asterisks; they have no origins in reality. Sometimes they are the bastard children of French, English, Haitian, Hawaiian, Sudanese, and Esperanto. They are strange little nomenclatural hatchlings, wandering about with no idea of their own parentage. In some circles, they will be popular, but from the Johns and Janes and Bills, they will get only a look of alienation. The same goes for the recent fashion of switching up the spellings of normal names to create “uniqueness.” I swear, if I see another “Brytni” or “Ahshleeey” or something, I’m naming my son Josef Vissarionovich and we’re going to get rid of these people properly.*
*Extra points if you know what I mean, and EXTRA extra points if you’re not insulted by that statement. Hyperbole, people, hyperbole.
2. Ku Klux Klancy – I would probably pay someone with this name just to not stand near me. Even if he/she was the nicest, most charitable person around, there is nothing more unsafe that having a “Non-Kosher” name. And some parents do this. During World War II, it was, of course, very common practice for those hosen-wearing German folk, generally unaware their leader was a genocidal psychopath, to name their kids after him – or worse, to name their kids after all leaders of the Axis. This resulted in the unfortunate event of a few Adolf Benito Hirohito Von Schprekenzideutsches running around in the early 1950s. This would’ve been a little easier for them if half of Germany had not, in fact, been controlled by Nazi-hating Commie Russia. Those poor kids. Nowadays, some parent might still have some bright ideas about sticking it to the nomenclatural man. I’m sure there’s at least one child of a new-age 60s communist couple named Fidel Castro O’Reilly, or Che Guevara Jones. The mind boggles.
3. Doctor – This one’s odd. I actually know quite a few people “known” by their professions. Or, really, just the name of a profession. I know a “Doc” a “Doctor” a “Baron” and a “Professor.” I myself was very briefly known as “The Surgeon” (badassilly shortened to “The Surge” until we realized how not-badass that was). But still, giving kids the names of methods of employment can only lead to tragedy. It starts out simple, with Banker, Secretary, Mayor, Flautist, etc. But then we go into multi-word territory, and obscure job territory, and now it gets dirty.
4. Mortigaunt – Mmm, a classic technique. Give a child this name, and let me tell you what you’ve done. You just plastered, or possibly riveted, a bumper sticker to that child’s forehead saying “EVIL” in big, neon-red letters which glow under blacklight. D&D generation parents, or just people obsessed with movies, videogames, fantasy novels, may think giving a child an “EVIL” name is a guarantee of them becoming a Genghis-Khan-level world conqueror (or, um, a 15th Level Necromancer who took a class in Loner and another in Whoopass). But no; really, this is just going to cause all sorts of problems at school. I bet Sauron got picked on all the time as a kid because of how malevolent his name sounded. These poor kids have their career path picked out for them because of their birth certificates! Do you think Maleficent, Cruella de Ville, Grima Wormtongue, Saruman, and all these others ever had a point in their lives where they though “Y’know, maybe I could not be a horrific villain?” NO! They were doomed. I admire a few villains who changed their name from something less villain-y – Tom Riddle to Voldemort, and apparently The Lion King’s Scar originally had a less sinister name, until he turned into Jeremy Irons. (Note: Harry Potter still loses this game, based solely on the Epilogue of Deathly Hallows – what idiot thought it was a good idea to name a child SCORPIUS? That poor kid will be training his legos to do his genocidal bidding by age 5). Sometimes, people make their names evil, which can ruin it for others – Shakespeare and the Bible are particularly bad at this – good luck with naming your kid Judas, Goliath, Herod, Edmund, or Iago. Bad choices, people, bad choices.
5. Louie Louie (oh no!) – Another umbrella number. A caution against the occasional “unique” parental tactic of the Nomen Geminus © (that means, roughly, twin name, in Latin). People give children the same first name as their last. Now, in reality, this can work out great, if the last name is sort of a first name. Though it’s a bit risky, I don’t see a lot of problems with being “Thomas Thomas” or “Sylvester Sylvester” or even “James James.” It works and doesn’t work in fiction (i.e. Humbert Humbert) and in reality (Sirhan Sirhan?). However, the logical progression is not a happy place. Imagine a world of “O’Houlihan O’Houlihans” or “Von Hindenberg Von Hindenbergs.” It almost gets worse by country.
6. Euthanasia – This name is like a death sentence. I mean, not, like, a euthanizing-to-death sentence (damn coincidental phrase usage!). This is generally a problem daughters will have, not so much sons. The “ends with an A” thing can cause parents to think these are pretty, exotic names. Names like Anathema, Euphoria, Esoterica, and so forth. No, these names are not fair game. And if I hear one crack about how all the “Youth in Asia” are doing it . . .
7. Diligence – The practice of naming children after cardinal or theological virtues is hardly unpleasant. It has yielded some very pretty names. I for one find girls named “Hope,” “Faith,” “Charity,” or “Felicity” kind of cute. Then we get “Joy” and “Prudence.” And then, well, “Patience,” “Humility.” Now we’re in bad territory. Now the fundamentalist parents, desperate to instill some virtue in their nubile daughters through the rigors of naming, seek out some terrifying alternatives. Justice, Temperance, Liberality, Fortitude, and my two personal favorites, Chastity and Diligence. I pity the girl named Chastity. That’s gonna be awful for her college years. Even worse, imagine that poor, unfledged Episcopalian with the blonde curls, whose parents thought it might be nice to name her Virginity Brown. Oh, heaven help her. Heaven help us all.
8. You Knee Corn – Admittedly, I’ve never seen anything like this. But I assume it happens, and it’s just unfortunate. If you have a reasonable intellect, you figured out that “You Knee Corn” is just a silly homophonic version of “Unicorn.” This is an extreme example of a phenomena mentioned elsewhere in this list, with a twist. Some people want to give their kids names of “things,” (essentially meaning anything you would use as a category in your first query in a game of 20 Questions – animal, vegetable, or mineral), but they’re smart enough to know that naming their baby daughter “Daffodil” is a bit silly. Their alternative is MODERN SPELLING. Suddenly, Daffodil Adams becomes lovely Miss Daphodyl Adams. Which might be considered kosher in some circles, but I think it looks like something out of really poor Young Adult Fantasy. Extra Negative Credit for revised versions of precious stones – Saffyre, Jayde, Rooby, Ammathest. Generally, adding a Y to any name tends to make it worse, unless you’re replacing an existing Y with an I.
9. Laöcoön – Mmm, Greek names. I love Greek Mythology, as I love all mythology, as I am a lifeless receptacle for useless information. But naming kids after Greek myths has major downsides, cool as it might seem when you’re holding little Achilles or Perseus in your arms as he dribbles and drools his demigod-like saliva onto your arm. Greek names tend to be, well, Greek. Laocoon, one of my favorite minor mythic characters from the post-op of Homer’s Iliad, has a nigh-unpronounceable name. See those umlauts? No, it’s not “Lao-cooon.” It’s “Lay-oh-coo-on.” Four syllables, bitches. And there are worse. You know Hector, Paris, all those Trojan princes? Perhaps you don’t recall their unfortunate brother Deiphobus (day-ee-foe-bus)? And who could forget Asteropaios? Tlepolemus? How about Polyxena? Then again, this one has upsides. A lot of obscure Greek heroes also have pretty cool names. I happen to think Sarpedon (minor character from The Iliad) has a pretty kickass name. But for every Sarpedon, there’s eight Gorgythionedeses. Yeah.
10. Hjalmar – I only cite this because it is actually a very popular name in Scandinavian-area countries, such as Sweden, Norway, Denmark, the area of Lapland, etc. I actually love this name, and I think it’s great for all those Swedes/Norwegians/Danes/Polar Bears who live out there. But in the rest of the world, saying “And thou shalt henceforth be called Hjalmar!” is essentially a parent entering their child in the “Most Likely To Be a Viking Warlord” sweepstakes. Frankly, most names that end we “-ar.” Ragnar, Muldar, Kevlar. Okay, maybe not the last one. But still, do you really want your book-smart ten-year-old who’s into computer science and has thinks girls have cooties to grow up to be a village-burning, woman-raping, language-skill-lacking Viking? Do you really?
And that’s it. My carpal tunnel is too intense to write a witty closing statement. So, I’ll just wrap this up by saying; for the love of God, don’t tell the police about last Sunday. It was an accident, I swear!
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
One Day I Hope You Get the Chance to Live Like You Are Dead.
Hello again everybody! I'm quickly falling behind in blog frequency next to my two extremely enthusiastic colleagues, and since I'd hate to deprive our ravenous masses of mindlessly devoted fans of one moment of my faux-intellectual ramblings, I decided to cave into peer pressure like the sheep I am and churn out another list. This is one that I've actually been toying around with for quite some time, as the combination of morbid and comedic is sort of the baseline for my creative process. Yes ladies and gentlemen, (hahaha none of us are really that classy) I am talking about post-mortem plans.
Everyone has the discussion at one point about what they want to do with their bodies after they die. Some people are serious and unoriginal and want to be buried where they can rot next to their loved ones. Awwww how sweet but totally boring. On the other hand, I've heard many people, mostly nerds who think they're individualistic, declare to me and a group of people pretending to be their friends that they want "A full viking funeral! I want to be set on fire in a boat and set out to sea!" After which each of these aforementioned dorks will puff up their chests and wait for the positive feedback from their mindlessly supportive friends. I, being just as much of a social lemming as the rest of them, will reply with a short "hur hur yeah dat'd be awesome. Yur so kool fur wanding to do somding unconvendshonal!" But in my mind I'm secretly lumping them together with other people I now consider to be mindlessly boring parrots of the better ideas of others. Don't worry, you're probably not one of those people! (j/k!) Anyway, my plans are a liiiiittle different.
Now I hear a lot of people talk about having "Bucketlists" of things they want to do before they die, and yeah sure, if you want you can be like every other "Jimmy Loves-Life" and try and live life to the fullest if that's your thing, but personally I have other plans. I intend on living a largely meaningless and hedonistic life until I'm about... Oh lets say 37. Then I intend on dying from completely unnatural causes and letting the REAL fun begin. Yes that's right, my list is entirely of things I want to do AFTER I die! So without further ado
Top Ten Things I Want To Do After I'm Dead (a.k.a. The Kicked-The-Bucketlist)
1. Go Bungee Jumping - I include this one first because it is such a popular item on most peoples' "Before I Die" list, and I think it illustrates well how my list is different from theirs. See, I don't want to just have my body tied to a bungee and thrown off a bridge as this might suggest. No, I want my body tied to a bungee cord and tossed off the top of a building calculated just correctly so that the end of the fall will be just seven feet off the ground, and I want this done in the most crowded place possible. Now for this to work correctly, not only do I have to be dead, but I also have to have decayed considerably, because in the split second that people see the human remains plummeting toward their unsuspecting heads, I want them to be pelted with a light rain of green flesh and dislodged teeth, and a stench that will haunt their nightmares for years to come. Now I don't actually want to do this to be malicious, I want to do this because it would be equal parts hilarious and EXTREME! I think it should be video taped and then mailed simultaneously to both America's Funniest Videos and whatever über-masculine video submission show Spike TV is pumping out at my time of death. In fact, just to make this even cooler, I give whoever arranges this whole thing the go-ahead to light my body on fire first. Sure it's desecration of my own corpse, but I'm willing to take it for the sake of my legacy.
2. Throw A Surprise Funeral - Now this one actually has a few parts to it, because the at first none of the people involved should know what's going on. Now I'm not intending on killing myself, so most of this will have to be arranged by whoever finds my body with the intricate post-death requests tattooed on my back. Firstly, everyone I know would be invited to a huge party with some sort of over the top theme. Ostensibly this would be a surprise party for me, but the real purpose would just to get everyone together for the big reveal! Drinks, food, and most importantly a giant multi-layered cake would be gathered for the event, and everyone would eat and be marry all night long. My coordinator would finally tell them after an hour or so of waiting that "I was going to be late, and that they should just start eating the cake!" which would cause the whole crowd to go over towards the cake and begin to eat. At this point the band would break out into a loud rendition of "Carry on Wayward Son" and a trigger would go off, launching my dead body from it's hiding place inside the cake into the waiting arms of my friends and family! Shock, pain, loss, and COMEDY GOLD! Also it would be in my will as a final request that they finish the cake despite the circumstances, because people tend to do whatever dead people wanted them to do.
3. The Reverse Orphan - Ok, you know movies where someone leaves a baby on the doorstep of a nice house and then flees into the night, never to be heard from again, but leaves a note on the basket that says "Please take care of my little Grimply-Poo" Or whatever? Well this is like this, but I want my body to be left curled in the fetal position on the doorstep of a stranger, dressed up as a baby, with a note that says "We can no longer afford to feed this poor soul, but we hope you will find a place in your heart for him." Now just to make this plan even better, the next part would involve watching what the people do with the body. My guess would be that they get it taken away somehow. It would then be the job of whoever wants to inherit my doubtlessly vast sum of money to re-acquire the body and repeat the process on the same doorstep until the people treat me with the respect I deserve and take me into their family! Really mostly though I just think the reaction of finding a body and a note on your doorstep would be classic, and really I'd be doing them a service, because it would make for a great party story, and you can't buy those.
4. The "We Have Your Daughter" - This one is in a way similar to the Reverse Orphan in that it involves strangers, but is really much broader in it's scope of usefulness and possible creativity. Basically, after death, I would have my body cut into many many tiny little pieces and mailed to different people with varying letters attached. For my fingers, each of them will be mailed to a rich family kidnapper-style with a note along the lines of "We have your daughter! Send us 1 million dollars or we will kill her!" With my finger in the envelope for proof. Many of the other messages would be puns or romantic plots. For instance, if I have sons, I'll mail my ears to their girlfriends, because nothing says "You're my absolute favorite prostitute" like an ear in the mail. I'd mail my feet to friends with a note that says "Guess who's six feet under?" and a catchy hallmark card with a puppy. My head I'd mail to one of my teachers from middle or high school with a note saying "who said I'd never get ahead in life?!" This would be written on a "Happy Father's Day" card just to confuse them. I'd probably leave it up to my closest friends to think of funny ways to mail the other parts around. Or probably not. I have many years to plan this out.
5. Be Sour-Cremated - For this idea, basically it would start out as the standard cremation of the body, so in that way it's not that different from the normal joe schmoe's funeral, but after that the real fun would begin. I would want my ashes smuggled out of their little urn, and slipped bit by bit into the stomachs of taco bell customers through a special "extra topping" on their tacos which one of my children will have to put there. Now in order for this to work, I will have to train one of my many future children to believe that they will never be competent enough to succeed at anything but fast food distribution through a slow process of passive aggressive self-esteem destruction and a series of offhanded comments degrading their competence and physical looks/ability. This could very well ruin their entire life if done correctly, but one life would be worth allowing me to have one final effect on the lives of everyone around me. I would rejoin the circle of life as god intended it. (Insert Lion King Music here) Also help cause indigestion, which they probably deserve for eating at taco-bell.
6. The Carnival of Death! - For this one, I would simply find a theme park with a large enough ferris wheel, and pay them a few million dollars (I will have copious amounts of money when I die) to just let my corpse go around and around on the ferris wheel for... let's say a month. Actually, on second though, I'd do the exact same thing, but on an awesome roller coaster somewhere. Hell, I'll set it up so that an employee is payed each day to move my body to a new ride and just let it cycle around for a good long while. I really think that it would add a lot of flavor to the rides if little children getting on could see what appears to be someone who has just died sitting in the seat in front of them. Their parents who probably don't feel like getting their stomachs churned around after they've stuffed their faces with fried Twinkies and chicken, can just tell them, "Oh look, this ride KILLED a man!" You don't want to get on a ride that will kill you do you? Also the photo booth at the end of the line would be hilarious, always having one picture of a car full of freaked out kids and a dead man. I bet those would sell like hotcakes. Hell I'd probably be making money for the park. They should pay me for this idea!
7. Wish You A Marry Christmas - This one's really simple and doesn't really require much explanation. Basically I'd like my body dressed up like Santa Claus and stuffed in a chimney. Then the idea would be to arrange for a news team to pull my body out of the chimney on national television and declare to the world that "Santa Claus is dead" and then leave a note suggesting that since Christmas has been canceled forevermore, any child with half a brain should convert to Judaism or suffer no presents forevermore!I would also make sure that there were the remains of reindeer on the roof of the house. This would probably go over best around Christmas, but would probably be just as effective about a month afterwords. I like the idea that people will assume I've been there for a while.
8. Bring Joy To Children - To counterbalance the childhoods I'd be ruining with that last one, I'd also like to initiate a plan where my body is autopsied and all my organs removed and replaced with huge amounts of candy. I'd then be sewn back together, bursting at the seam with delicious treats just waiting to bring a twinkle to the eyes of larval men and women, salavating at the mere thought of my luscuous sugary treasures. My body would then be tossed out into the street, allowing it to pop and spray my tantelizing innards everywhere to be gobbled up by the eager hands and mouths of the greatful imps that frolic and prance in sugar-induced highs rivaling the legendary glucose benders of yore, and which from that point on, would only be spoken of in hushed wispers along with other such legends such as "The Big Rock Candy Mountain." This plan would also drive home my life-long hatred of diabetics. (not really guys!)
9. Be An Abomination Against God - I don't know if Frankenstein would actually work, but I'd love to be involved with something in the same vein. Maybe realistically I could just have my body sewn around a metallic skeleton which could then be mobilized by a series of pumps and levers to give it a lifelike appearance. I'd be sort of like a man-made zombie which would be ridiculously cool. Ideally, the new reanimated me would be able to walk on it's own, but only in a strange and stilted way that instantly makes people feel uneasy. My body would then be able to walk any of my daughters down the isle for their eventual weddings, which is really like the dream of any daughter with a dead father isn't it? "Oh if only he could be here!" Well I will be. My re-animated body could also be used for mundane tasks such as greeting visitors at the door of our house, or walking around carrying trays of cockails or weenies. The posibilities are really endless if you're creative enough.
10. Enter Politics - It used to be the big thing to use dead men's names to vote in elections for one side or the other when everything was run by political machines, I say if it's going to happen anyway why not go with the flow? Now of course I wouldn't let the general public know I was dead, but the basic idea behind the whole thing would be to aquie office somehow. Probably the easiest way to do so would be by buying a Chicago senate seat somehow and then always sending representatives to do the talking for me. My body could be propped up and made to look good for campaign posters, and any complexion problems that develop could be photoshopped out. I'm sure someone could go for this idea, since alot of politicians are just puppets anyway. I would just be a puppet in a more literal sense! At least it would give them a reason to keep my body looking good. Gotta be at my best for all those rallys! Ideally my head would finally fall off at a rally and the truth would come out, but before that I bet I could run a successful term or two.
Anyway that's about it for the things I want to do after death. If you have very weak reasoning skills you might not have noticed that many of these are mutually eclusive. Well the way I'm going to work around that is by deciding on which of them I want done before I'm dead and then making it clear in my will. I've mentioned several times that I'll be completely loaded by then, and it'll be a condition for inheritance that these things happen. Hell, alot of these aren't mutually exclusive. I just have to pick one of the ones that ends up with my body gone or mutilated and make that the final one.
As for how I die, I can promise you it won't be a suicide because that's just boring. I hope to die or be killed in a really cool way, but maybe that'll be a list for the future. I guess I'll just have to leave you all dying on the inside of anticipation until then. It'll probably not be that great anyway. Nothing is ever as great as I hype it up to be. Still, I like pretending I'm better at things than I am. It's a blast! Expect a list soon about American Sign Language! What Fun! Until then.
God'sLonelyMan out.
Everyone has the discussion at one point about what they want to do with their bodies after they die. Some people are serious and unoriginal and want to be buried where they can rot next to their loved ones. Awwww how sweet but totally boring. On the other hand, I've heard many people, mostly nerds who think they're individualistic, declare to me and a group of people pretending to be their friends that they want "A full viking funeral! I want to be set on fire in a boat and set out to sea!" After which each of these aforementioned dorks will puff up their chests and wait for the positive feedback from their mindlessly supportive friends. I, being just as much of a social lemming as the rest of them, will reply with a short "hur hur yeah dat'd be awesome. Yur so kool fur wanding to do somding unconvendshonal!" But in my mind I'm secretly lumping them together with other people I now consider to be mindlessly boring parrots of the better ideas of others. Don't worry, you're probably not one of those people! (j/k!) Anyway, my plans are a liiiiittle different.
Now I hear a lot of people talk about having "Bucketlists" of things they want to do before they die, and yeah sure, if you want you can be like every other "Jimmy Loves-Life" and try and live life to the fullest if that's your thing, but personally I have other plans. I intend on living a largely meaningless and hedonistic life until I'm about... Oh lets say 37. Then I intend on dying from completely unnatural causes and letting the REAL fun begin. Yes that's right, my list is entirely of things I want to do AFTER I die! So without further ado
Top Ten Things I Want To Do After I'm Dead (a.k.a. The Kicked-The-Bucketlist)
1. Go Bungee Jumping - I include this one first because it is such a popular item on most peoples' "Before I Die" list, and I think it illustrates well how my list is different from theirs. See, I don't want to just have my body tied to a bungee and thrown off a bridge as this might suggest. No, I want my body tied to a bungee cord and tossed off the top of a building calculated just correctly so that the end of the fall will be just seven feet off the ground, and I want this done in the most crowded place possible. Now for this to work correctly, not only do I have to be dead, but I also have to have decayed considerably, because in the split second that people see the human remains plummeting toward their unsuspecting heads, I want them to be pelted with a light rain of green flesh and dislodged teeth, and a stench that will haunt their nightmares for years to come. Now I don't actually want to do this to be malicious, I want to do this because it would be equal parts hilarious and EXTREME! I think it should be video taped and then mailed simultaneously to both America's Funniest Videos and whatever über-masculine video submission show Spike TV is pumping out at my time of death. In fact, just to make this even cooler, I give whoever arranges this whole thing the go-ahead to light my body on fire first. Sure it's desecration of my own corpse, but I'm willing to take it for the sake of my legacy.
2. Throw A Surprise Funeral - Now this one actually has a few parts to it, because the at first none of the people involved should know what's going on. Now I'm not intending on killing myself, so most of this will have to be arranged by whoever finds my body with the intricate post-death requests tattooed on my back. Firstly, everyone I know would be invited to a huge party with some sort of over the top theme. Ostensibly this would be a surprise party for me, but the real purpose would just to get everyone together for the big reveal! Drinks, food, and most importantly a giant multi-layered cake would be gathered for the event, and everyone would eat and be marry all night long. My coordinator would finally tell them after an hour or so of waiting that "I was going to be late, and that they should just start eating the cake!" which would cause the whole crowd to go over towards the cake and begin to eat. At this point the band would break out into a loud rendition of "Carry on Wayward Son" and a trigger would go off, launching my dead body from it's hiding place inside the cake into the waiting arms of my friends and family! Shock, pain, loss, and COMEDY GOLD! Also it would be in my will as a final request that they finish the cake despite the circumstances, because people tend to do whatever dead people wanted them to do.
3. The Reverse Orphan - Ok, you know movies where someone leaves a baby on the doorstep of a nice house and then flees into the night, never to be heard from again, but leaves a note on the basket that says "Please take care of my little Grimply-Poo" Or whatever? Well this is like this, but I want my body to be left curled in the fetal position on the doorstep of a stranger, dressed up as a baby, with a note that says "We can no longer afford to feed this poor soul, but we hope you will find a place in your heart for him." Now just to make this plan even better, the next part would involve watching what the people do with the body. My guess would be that they get it taken away somehow. It would then be the job of whoever wants to inherit my doubtlessly vast sum of money to re-acquire the body and repeat the process on the same doorstep until the people treat me with the respect I deserve and take me into their family! Really mostly though I just think the reaction of finding a body and a note on your doorstep would be classic, and really I'd be doing them a service, because it would make for a great party story, and you can't buy those.
4. The "We Have Your Daughter" - This one is in a way similar to the Reverse Orphan in that it involves strangers, but is really much broader in it's scope of usefulness and possible creativity. Basically, after death, I would have my body cut into many many tiny little pieces and mailed to different people with varying letters attached. For my fingers, each of them will be mailed to a rich family kidnapper-style with a note along the lines of "We have your daughter! Send us 1 million dollars or we will kill her!" With my finger in the envelope for proof. Many of the other messages would be puns or romantic plots. For instance, if I have sons, I'll mail my ears to their girlfriends, because nothing says "You're my absolute favorite prostitute" like an ear in the mail. I'd mail my feet to friends with a note that says "Guess who's six feet under?" and a catchy hallmark card with a puppy. My head I'd mail to one of my teachers from middle or high school with a note saying "who said I'd never get ahead in life?!" This would be written on a "Happy Father's Day" card just to confuse them. I'd probably leave it up to my closest friends to think of funny ways to mail the other parts around. Or probably not. I have many years to plan this out.
5. Be Sour-Cremated - For this idea, basically it would start out as the standard cremation of the body, so in that way it's not that different from the normal joe schmoe's funeral, but after that the real fun would begin. I would want my ashes smuggled out of their little urn, and slipped bit by bit into the stomachs of taco bell customers through a special "extra topping" on their tacos which one of my children will have to put there. Now in order for this to work, I will have to train one of my many future children to believe that they will never be competent enough to succeed at anything but fast food distribution through a slow process of passive aggressive self-esteem destruction and a series of offhanded comments degrading their competence and physical looks/ability. This could very well ruin their entire life if done correctly, but one life would be worth allowing me to have one final effect on the lives of everyone around me. I would rejoin the circle of life as god intended it. (Insert Lion King Music here) Also help cause indigestion, which they probably deserve for eating at taco-bell.
6. The Carnival of Death! - For this one, I would simply find a theme park with a large enough ferris wheel, and pay them a few million dollars (I will have copious amounts of money when I die) to just let my corpse go around and around on the ferris wheel for... let's say a month. Actually, on second though, I'd do the exact same thing, but on an awesome roller coaster somewhere. Hell, I'll set it up so that an employee is payed each day to move my body to a new ride and just let it cycle around for a good long while. I really think that it would add a lot of flavor to the rides if little children getting on could see what appears to be someone who has just died sitting in the seat in front of them. Their parents who probably don't feel like getting their stomachs churned around after they've stuffed their faces with fried Twinkies and chicken, can just tell them, "Oh look, this ride KILLED a man!" You don't want to get on a ride that will kill you do you? Also the photo booth at the end of the line would be hilarious, always having one picture of a car full of freaked out kids and a dead man. I bet those would sell like hotcakes. Hell I'd probably be making money for the park. They should pay me for this idea!
7. Wish You A Marry Christmas - This one's really simple and doesn't really require much explanation. Basically I'd like my body dressed up like Santa Claus and stuffed in a chimney. Then the idea would be to arrange for a news team to pull my body out of the chimney on national television and declare to the world that "Santa Claus is dead" and then leave a note suggesting that since Christmas has been canceled forevermore, any child with half a brain should convert to Judaism or suffer no presents forevermore!I would also make sure that there were the remains of reindeer on the roof of the house. This would probably go over best around Christmas, but would probably be just as effective about a month afterwords. I like the idea that people will assume I've been there for a while.
8. Bring Joy To Children - To counterbalance the childhoods I'd be ruining with that last one, I'd also like to initiate a plan where my body is autopsied and all my organs removed and replaced with huge amounts of candy. I'd then be sewn back together, bursting at the seam with delicious treats just waiting to bring a twinkle to the eyes of larval men and women, salavating at the mere thought of my luscuous sugary treasures. My body would then be tossed out into the street, allowing it to pop and spray my tantelizing innards everywhere to be gobbled up by the eager hands and mouths of the greatful imps that frolic and prance in sugar-induced highs rivaling the legendary glucose benders of yore, and which from that point on, would only be spoken of in hushed wispers along with other such legends such as "The Big Rock Candy Mountain." This plan would also drive home my life-long hatred of diabetics. (not really guys!)
9. Be An Abomination Against God - I don't know if Frankenstein would actually work, but I'd love to be involved with something in the same vein. Maybe realistically I could just have my body sewn around a metallic skeleton which could then be mobilized by a series of pumps and levers to give it a lifelike appearance. I'd be sort of like a man-made zombie which would be ridiculously cool. Ideally, the new reanimated me would be able to walk on it's own, but only in a strange and stilted way that instantly makes people feel uneasy. My body would then be able to walk any of my daughters down the isle for their eventual weddings, which is really like the dream of any daughter with a dead father isn't it? "Oh if only he could be here!" Well I will be. My re-animated body could also be used for mundane tasks such as greeting visitors at the door of our house, or walking around carrying trays of cockails or weenies. The posibilities are really endless if you're creative enough.
10. Enter Politics - It used to be the big thing to use dead men's names to vote in elections for one side or the other when everything was run by political machines, I say if it's going to happen anyway why not go with the flow? Now of course I wouldn't let the general public know I was dead, but the basic idea behind the whole thing would be to aquie office somehow. Probably the easiest way to do so would be by buying a Chicago senate seat somehow and then always sending representatives to do the talking for me. My body could be propped up and made to look good for campaign posters, and any complexion problems that develop could be photoshopped out. I'm sure someone could go for this idea, since alot of politicians are just puppets anyway. I would just be a puppet in a more literal sense! At least it would give them a reason to keep my body looking good. Gotta be at my best for all those rallys! Ideally my head would finally fall off at a rally and the truth would come out, but before that I bet I could run a successful term or two.
Anyway that's about it for the things I want to do after death. If you have very weak reasoning skills you might not have noticed that many of these are mutually eclusive. Well the way I'm going to work around that is by deciding on which of them I want done before I'm dead and then making it clear in my will. I've mentioned several times that I'll be completely loaded by then, and it'll be a condition for inheritance that these things happen. Hell, alot of these aren't mutually exclusive. I just have to pick one of the ones that ends up with my body gone or mutilated and make that the final one.
As for how I die, I can promise you it won't be a suicide because that's just boring. I hope to die or be killed in a really cool way, but maybe that'll be a list for the future. I guess I'll just have to leave you all dying on the inside of anticipation until then. It'll probably not be that great anyway. Nothing is ever as great as I hype it up to be. Still, I like pretending I'm better at things than I am. It's a blast! Expect a list soon about American Sign Language! What Fun! Until then.
God'sLonelyMan out.
Of Woodcuts and Great Old Ones
I’m no good at thinking during the summer. I realized this recently. When not in an academic setting, my brain becomes a finely-granulated slurry, which could probably be put in a kiln and used to make grayish lawn gnomes, or elementary school pottery (you know, those really ugly amphorae you have to give your mom on Mother’s Day after you got an easy A on it in art class?....my metaphor got away from me).
So, I’m settling on a fallback – thievery! My colleague Miss Rossetti mentioned hentai in her post, a favorite subject of so many people (erm?). I would point out the very drawn-out irony of her nom-de-plum being Rossetti (referring to Dante Gabriel), shared with Christina Rossetti, the poetess who wrote “Goblin Market” in which a girl is disturbingly molested by a bunch of anthropomorphic goblins armed with…berries and fruit, used in a seductive fashion. But I’ve thought this out too much. Subtext, subtext. Maybe my associate is, in fact, a closet…something. I have no idea.
Anyway, this all brings me to:
TOP TEN USES OF TENTACLES
Why? Because. That’s why. These are in no particular order, but number one is definitely number one.
1. Conquering the Known Universe (Cthulhu): The undisputed winner of anything and everything having to do with tentacles. H. P. Lovecraft was the Emperor of Tentacles – I don’t know how much he liked that title, but it stuck (Get it? Stuck? Get it?....Philistines). Everyone should know Cthulhu. If you do not, be assured, Cthulhu knows you. In his house at Ry’leh dead C’thulhu waits dreaming, the Great Old One, the dreaded, sticky spawn of the stars, his tentacles many and horrible, each one of them more powerful than a thousand lesser deities. Cthulhu is greater than you and me. His tentacles are greater than you and me. We all serve the Great One. In the eldritch days to come, the crimson millennia, he will awaken from his terrible slumber to flay our minds with his very presence, and—
But I digress.
Vote Cthulhu n 2012.
2. Conquering a Fictional Universe: This one is kind of an umbrella bullet point. I mean, what fictional alien race HASN’T employed tentacles at one point? The best examples I can think of are the Ing from the Metroid games, and the Tripods from H. G. Wells’ War of the Worlds, who were so obsessed with tentacles that they actually put tentacles on their machines, even though they already had tentacles on their bodies. I mean, in the books. Also, those crazy aliens from Hellboy who got inside Grigori Rasputin. Any tentacle that can get inside Grigori Rasputin is okay in my book.
3. Causing the Death of Sailors and/or Pirates (The Kraken): This is any Kraken I’m referring to. Generally, most people associate the mythological Kraken with the recent Pirates of the Caribbean movies. Okay, that was an impressive CGI Kraken, but that is not my image of the Kraken. Based on most folkoric descriptions, the Kraken was not the kind of thing you could defeat with canons and gunpowder. A holdover from Biblical times, the Kraken was an impossibly huge tentacle-monster, so big that it could destroy ships without leaving its home at the floor of the ocean. Now those are long fucking tentacles. Anyway, this is a little more kin to the proper size of the Kraken.
(http://beatledude.files.wordpress.com/2008/08/kraken.jpg)
Yeah. The Kraken could use a single tentacle to swat a trio of ships without even really exerting muscular force. Moving the tip of one sucky tendril above the surface would create enough of a wave to capsize anything smaller than the Titanic.
4. Causing the Death of Nerds (C’Thun’s Tentacles): Admittedly a cheap ripoff of a certain Elder God, but still. In World of Warcraft (don’t groan – of course you’re a nerd, you’re on the internet!), C’Thun is an Old God, living in the bowels of, um, The Temple of Ahn’qiraj. Yeah, I remember it all. Essentially another Cthulhu ripoff, C’Thun is a combination of all your tentacular fears and Sauron from the Lord of the Ring Movies – a giant, lidless, lazer-shooting eyeball who has thousands of little tentacles which spurt from the ground and cause accumulated damage. God, those tentacles sucked. Anyway, C’Thun also had tentacles inside him – his belly was a room of its own, because he was so gigantic – and, when you finally kill him, there is a probability he will drop one of his smaller tentacles, which can be used as a MAGICAL BELT. This is awesome.
5. Being the Last Vestige of an Alien Race (Octopus God): No, I’m not talking about what you think. This I just learned. Hawaii is not well known for its mythology, but most cultures have a Creation Myth (titanomachy for Greeks, Adam and Eve for Christianity, so forth). Well, the Hawaiian creation myth is a little iffy, but it has one fun element. According to it, this universe is a revamp of a past universe, which was itself also one element of a series of failed universes. The best thing about this – the theory is, the octopus is the only element of that previous universe which remains in ours. Octopi are apparently so crazy that they’re not even from this physical and spiritual universe. So, tentacles = being older than time itself. Great.
6. Being Doctor Octopus (Doc Ock): Few people will ever need to know the items on this list, but Dock Ock clearly would take them all to heart, if he didn’t know every conceivable use of tentacles already. Now, Doc Ock, more properly known as Otto Gunther Octavius alias Doctor Octopus, uses his tentacles primarily to commit crimes, and cause trouble for superheroes. But he also just uses them for mundane purposes, like walking, making tea, and probably his various scholastic pursuits. Imagine an astute guy, sitting in his study, perhaps sipping some Earl Gray, simultaneously reading four different books. I mean, his mind was only human, but he could at least be turning all the pages simultaneously, with some difficulty. Imagine how helpful having robo-tentacles would be to a college student writing a term paper! You have no idea how much I’ve thought about this.
7. Creating Gastronomical Satisfaction (Calamari): Not everyone agrees, but I think eating tentacles is a great use. Disagree with me? Well, let me just point you to some of the other items on this list. I bet Cthulhu would be really offended if you told him his slippery mini-brethren weren’t tasty.
8. Wrestling With Human Beings (Octopus Wrestling): Yes, the World Octopus Wrestling Championships were held in Puget Sound in the 1960s, where divers actually wrestled with octopi and other tentacled creatures, for prizes. Mostly, the humans won, having certain unfair advantages, but still – imagine the possibilities. This has “bad horror movie” written all over it. I wish this tradition had not been discontinued. You would definitely find me amongst the spectators, cautiously gnoshing on sashimi and cheering on my Eight-Legged Masters. Uh, I mean…
9. Winning Hockey Games (The Detroit Red Wings – boldness arbitrary): I knew about this one, but perhaps you did not. The Detroit Red Wings (that’s a hockey team, if you’re like me and know next to nothing about sports) used to throw a live octopus onto the surface of the ice at home games for good luck. The eight tentacles were apparently symbolic. Anyway, this started a swath of other “Let’s Throw Things” good-luck-charms for hockey teams, including heaving chunks of beef, scattering toy rats, chucking catfish, and hurling…leopard sharks. Well, the octopus is still the best. Who knew tentacles could make you good at sports? Now you do.
10. Creating Massive Arousal (Tentacle Porn): I suppose this is a bit misleading. I personally am not turned on by tentacles. Few people are. But honestly, is there any fetish more ballsy than this? The whole concept of tentacle porn combines bestiality, rape fantasies (about 50% of the time), xenophilia, and just a lot of other weird things. I mean, remember that most tentacled creatures are (a) not mammals and (b) are invertebrates; that’s all kinds of crazy.
A Brief History: Tentacle porn originates (graphically – I mean, literally graphically, not …never mind) with an 1820 woodcut by Katsushika Hokusai, with a fisherman’s nubile wife having some jaunty “aquatic fun-time” with a huge-eyed tentacle thing; maybe an octopus, but its eyes say otherwise. Trust me, I’ve seen the picture, and it’s not pleasant. Since Mister Hokusai, tentacle porn – or rather, portrayals of intercourse with tentacles with symbolic or spiritual meaning – has thrived. Nowadays, you can find what I like to call “Sextentacles” or just “Sextacles” in sci-fi, anime, manga, film, TV, and more. In fact, tentacle porn is pretty kosher in Japan, and other countries are acclimatizing to it (and, of course, there are niche fetishist groups in every country dedicated to it). Then again, Japan also gave us Audition, pokemon, and Godzilla vs. Megalon. Judge for yourselves.
And hey, no more tentacles. You’re probably quite happy to never have to see this list, ever again. Well, you’re welcome.
For a bit of fun, enjoy Neil Gaiman (of American Gods and the unstoppably popular graphic novel Sandman) and his humorous take on the Cthulhu tentacle mythos: “I, Cthulhu” http://www.neilgaiman.com/p/Cool_Stuff/Short_Stories/I_Cthulhu
Trying to think of another list, maybe one with artistic substance;
Very Like a Whale, out.
10 Innocuous Songs (or Are They??)
Are these songs about secret fetishes? You be the judge....
10. Pour Some Sugar on Me- Def Leppard-Snack Fetish. Pure and Simple. Nomnomnom...
9. P.D.A. (We Just Don't Care)-John Legend-This one's almost too easy. Exhibitionism never sounded this sultry before.....mmmmm fire escapes.
8. Don't Speak- No Doubt-This gives new meaning to the phrase "gag order"
7. You and Me and the Moon- The Magnetic Fields-Astrology Fetish. What's your sign, baby? Wanna have a three way with the Moon?
6. We Will Vacation, You Will Be My Parasol- Be Your Own Pet-I believe this title says it all...
5. Octopus' Garden- The Beatles-Hentai. Hentai. Hentai.
4. Same Jeans- The View- Do dirty clothes fetishes exist? Well, by the laws of Teh Interwebz, they do now.
3. Big Mouth Strikes Again- The Smiths Mmmm, BDSM and fellatio in one song. And sung by Morrisey?! Well, you don't say....
2. Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto- Styx -Again with Teh Interwebz.
1. Too Hard to Handle- The Black Crowes- Delicious BDSM
As a low culture aficionado, and someone who only listens to the tail end of sentences (waiiit, what about the course of human events, now?) I often find myself misconstruing things. Admittedly, I don't actually believe any of these, but aren't they droll? And convincing, when you think about it....
Summer boredom. Delicious.
DG, out
10. Pour Some Sugar on Me- Def Leppard-Snack Fetish. Pure and Simple. Nomnomnom...
9. P.D.A. (We Just Don't Care)-John Legend-This one's almost too easy. Exhibitionism never sounded this sultry before.....mmmmm fire escapes.
8. Don't Speak- No Doubt-This gives new meaning to the phrase "gag order"
7. You and Me and the Moon- The Magnetic Fields-Astrology Fetish. What's your sign, baby? Wanna have a three way with the Moon?
6. We Will Vacation, You Will Be My Parasol- Be Your Own Pet-I believe this title says it all...
5. Octopus' Garden- The Beatles-Hentai. Hentai. Hentai.
4. Same Jeans- The View- Do dirty clothes fetishes exist? Well, by the laws of Teh Interwebz, they do now.
3. Big Mouth Strikes Again- The Smiths Mmmm, BDSM and fellatio in one song. And sung by Morrisey?! Well, you don't say....
2. Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto- Styx -Again with Teh Interwebz.
1. Too Hard to Handle- The Black Crowes- Delicious BDSM
As a low culture aficionado, and someone who only listens to the tail end of sentences (waiiit, what about the course of human events, now?) I often find myself misconstruing things. Admittedly, I don't actually believe any of these, but aren't they droll? And convincing, when you think about it....
Summer boredom. Delicious.
DG, out
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
This Paranoia Is Distressing
So, whilst I'm here, having a minispaz about having left a certain person a certain large distance away, especially after a certain incident, I've decided to milk my other-woman paranoia into pasteurized, 2%, oreo-cookie-dippable form- A Top Ten List.
Top Ten Best Things to Come out of Being Cheated On
10) "Run For Your Life"-The Beatles-This ridiculously catchy song is actually about how if Paul McCartney finds his woman with another man, he will kill her, so she'd better make like an ostrich and bury her head. Does the fact that I really enjoyed this song as a child say anything about me?
9) "Hit 'Em Up In Style"-Blu Cantrell- So, this is indirectly about infidelity, but this woman (sung in super-haute-intellectual form by Blu Cantrell) gets cheated on, and so takes herself to Nieman Marcus. A veritable parable and example for us all, ladies.
8) "Cecilia" -Simon and Garfunkel -So, not only does this dude get cheated on, but he WALKS IN ON IT. My confidence'd be shaken, not stirred, too, if this were to happen. What really gets me is that Cecilia managed to find a new man in under five minutes (he just got up mid-sex to wash his face, and there was a dude in his spot. Literally.) She must either be a siren of the first water, or else have a Man-dispenser stashed under the bed.
7) "Closer"-Patrick Marber-This play is a four-person web of lying, cheating, intrigue, heartbreak, and getting hit by cars. Moral of the story: A four year relationship with Jude Law whilst also being a stripper is a bad idea. Also, don't cheat on Julia Roberts.
6) "Chicago"-Kander and Ebb- The song that most people come out of this musical humming is the incredibly catchy (and really sexy, if you're into scantily-clad jailbird mistresses of Darkness...) number "Cell Block Tango" in which all the superhot death-row denizens vindicate their murderin' ways with DUDEULAR INFIDELITY. Seriously, menfolks. If your lady has a knife and knows how to use same, don't cheat. You'll just be a momentary nod in a song best known among wannabe-Lolita twelve year olds.
5) "Your Cheatin' Heart"-Hank Williams- Possibly the archetypical country song, this classic country track is the quintessential last word to any cheater. Hank hopes your cheating heart gives you all the grief your victims never could, and trust me, old-timey country stars have a lot of grief inside them.
4) "Challengers" -The New Pornographers- Internet, I have a confession. I idolize the red-tressed, wailing Force of Nature that is Neko Case. However, this song puts me over the edge whenever I get to listenin' to more than just the banjo and her yowl. "You live with someone, I live with somebody too. Leave them there?!?!" Really, Neko. Really. Points off.
3) "Cheating on You"- Franz Ferdinand- Another great song by an artist I swoon after. However, once again, Kapranos, the juicy Franz frontman turns down what he acknowledges to be love so that he can passive-aggressively dump his girlfriend by cheating on her. Such an attractive scumbag, though....
2) "Madama Butterfly"- Puccini-Cio-Cio San, Pinkerton was corkboarding some American butterfly the whole time!
1) "Othello"- Shakespeare- This is the quintessential portrait of infidelity. Admittedly, the party you'd expect to be unfaithful isn't, but one could argue that in his pseudomarriage to Iago, and the subsequent "monstrous birth" of Othello's suspicions, Othello is cheating on Desdemona with both Iago and with the idea that Desdemona herself is being unfaithful. Or I could be full of Liberal Arts Bullshit, and be half-remembering a really cool idea I had during Shakespeare II last semester. Your call, readers.
Well, this was cathartic. While I was schadenfreuding, I totally forgot my own paranoia. Thanks, lists!
DG, out.
Top Ten Best Things to Come out of Being Cheated On
10) "Run For Your Life"-The Beatles-This ridiculously catchy song is actually about how if Paul McCartney finds his woman with another man, he will kill her, so she'd better make like an ostrich and bury her head. Does the fact that I really enjoyed this song as a child say anything about me?
9) "Hit 'Em Up In Style"-Blu Cantrell- So, this is indirectly about infidelity, but this woman (sung in super-haute-intellectual form by Blu Cantrell) gets cheated on, and so takes herself to Nieman Marcus. A veritable parable and example for us all, ladies.
8) "Cecilia" -Simon and Garfunkel -So, not only does this dude get cheated on, but he WALKS IN ON IT. My confidence'd be shaken, not stirred, too, if this were to happen. What really gets me is that Cecilia managed to find a new man in under five minutes (he just got up mid-sex to wash his face, and there was a dude in his spot. Literally.) She must either be a siren of the first water, or else have a Man-dispenser stashed under the bed.
7) "Closer"-Patrick Marber-This play is a four-person web of lying, cheating, intrigue, heartbreak, and getting hit by cars. Moral of the story: A four year relationship with Jude Law whilst also being a stripper is a bad idea. Also, don't cheat on Julia Roberts.
6) "Chicago"-Kander and Ebb- The song that most people come out of this musical humming is the incredibly catchy (and really sexy, if you're into scantily-clad jailbird mistresses of Darkness...) number "Cell Block Tango" in which all the superhot death-row denizens vindicate their murderin' ways with DUDEULAR INFIDELITY. Seriously, menfolks. If your lady has a knife and knows how to use same, don't cheat. You'll just be a momentary nod in a song best known among wannabe-Lolita twelve year olds.
5) "Your Cheatin' Heart"-Hank Williams- Possibly the archetypical country song, this classic country track is the quintessential last word to any cheater. Hank hopes your cheating heart gives you all the grief your victims never could, and trust me, old-timey country stars have a lot of grief inside them.
4) "Challengers" -The New Pornographers- Internet, I have a confession. I idolize the red-tressed, wailing Force of Nature that is Neko Case. However, this song puts me over the edge whenever I get to listenin' to more than just the banjo and her yowl. "You live with someone, I live with somebody too. Leave them there?!?!" Really, Neko. Really. Points off.
3) "Cheating on You"- Franz Ferdinand- Another great song by an artist I swoon after. However, once again, Kapranos, the juicy Franz frontman turns down what he acknowledges to be love so that he can passive-aggressively dump his girlfriend by cheating on her. Such an attractive scumbag, though....
2) "Madama Butterfly"- Puccini-Cio-Cio San, Pinkerton was corkboarding some American butterfly the whole time!
1) "Othello"- Shakespeare- This is the quintessential portrait of infidelity. Admittedly, the party you'd expect to be unfaithful isn't, but one could argue that in his pseudomarriage to Iago, and the subsequent "monstrous birth" of Othello's suspicions, Othello is cheating on Desdemona with both Iago and with the idea that Desdemona herself is being unfaithful. Or I could be full of Liberal Arts Bullshit, and be half-remembering a really cool idea I had during Shakespeare II last semester. Your call, readers.
Well, this was cathartic. While I was schadenfreuding, I totally forgot my own paranoia. Thanks, lists!
DG, out.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Summertime, And The Livin' is FIREBREATH
Clearly my compatriots have a better grasp on this “blogging” thing than I do, considering our comparative output, and also the fact that their posts are interesting.
So, what I can I do that’s interesting? I mean, to me, lots of things are interesting. Most of them are very highfalutin. But trivial passions exist as well.
The trivial passion for today, though, is not trivial at all. It is in fact “EPIC” if you’ll pardon an old phrase. It’s hot outside. It’s summer, of course it’s hot. But heat got me thinking. Heat. Fire. Fire. Fire-breath. Fire-breathing. Logical conclusion...
Top 10 DRAGONS (Rarrr)
See my thought process there? Yeah, I’m smart.
I love dragons. I’ve always loved dragons. From those couched in annals of nerdy literary canon, to those that soar out of kingdoms of glossy, terrifying special effects. Dragons are always in style. So, here, for your enjoyment – a list, of the best.
1. Draco: I’ve never been good at mixing drinks. I always make really foofy orders whenever I have the opportunity, and when someone says “Hey, this has one part grenadine,” I think of the mounted grenadiers of King Frederick of Prussia. But let me break this down for you. One part Dragon + One Part Ahead-of-it’s-Time CGI + Two Parts Schmaltzy Dialogue + ALL PARTS Sean Fucking Connery = The Best Drink You Have Ever Had. Draco is the eponymous dragon from the 1996 fantasy classic Dragonheart. Yes, Sean Connery voices a dragon. A benevolent, kickass dragon, who eventually helps out a rebel army defeat the landed gentry. It’s like a mind-boggling rewrite of the October Revolution, but with a dragon. Sean Connery’s portrayal of Draco is, in reality, both clever and touching. I won’t ruin the ending, but let’s just say the end of Dragonheart made me cry like a little girl when I was 8. And today, I at least get a little misty. I’m not kidding, really. The movie is a great popcorn fantasy romp, replete with David Thewlis (Harry Potter) as a disturbing quasi-psycho king, the immortal Julie Christie as his mother, and…um, Dennis Quaid. But Connery-Draco steals the show. Best. Dragon. Ever.
2. Smaug the Magnificent: An obvious choice, but no Dragon Compendium is complete without the great-grand-daddy of literary dragons. Appearing in J. R. R. Tolkein’s The Hobbit, many of us fell in love with Smaug at a young age. Like a Disney villain, you can’t help but be sucked in by (a) his suave, cruel demeanor, (b) his sexy, hypnotic voice, and (b) the fact that he’s a goddamn dragon. Smaug can talk, and probably sounds like Jeremy Irons when he’s angry, and Alan Rickman when he’s languid. In his spare time, he kills humans for no reason, reads from the Torah, and sings “Be Prepared” from The Lion King, voicing all the parts. In the not-too-shabby underrated Rankin/Bass Hobbit animated film, he was voiced sultrily by Richard Boone, who I know from some 50s classics like The Alamo and the original Ocean’s Eleven. In the upcoming Hobbit movie of Guillermo del Toro and P. Jackson, the voice actor is yet unknown. I’m holding out for Alan Rickman, personally. I happen to think Jeff Bridges would do a good job too, but I want that to happen just for the jokes. “Hey, man, that hoard really tied the room together.”
3. Smrgol, Gorbash, and Bryagh: The characters from Flight of Dragons, a classic Rankin/Bass animated film from 1982. Based on a “speculative natural history book,” the movie follows the adventures of Peter Dickinson, who is thrown into a world of magic and, well, dragons, because he is destined to save it. However, there’s a twist. On his way in, a backfiring spell causes his mind to jump into a dragon’s body (Gorbash). What’s amazing about the movie is how, instead of just reveling in being a dragon, Dickinson uses being inside one to figure out how dragons work scientifically. This leads to hilarious scenes of him, as a dragon, diagramming draconian diaphragms (say that three times fast) on a quarry wall. In dragon form, Dickisnson, and his mentor-dragon Smrgol, go off to fight James Earl Jones…I mean Ommadon, The Red Wizard, and his pet dragon, a Smaug ripoff name of Bryagh. Anyway, the movie’s great, and the dragons are better. Flight of Dragons makes dragons out to be normal, human-like creatures with traditions, habits, and adaptations which make them look like something off a Discovery Channel Special. And, when they fight, they kick tremendous animated ass, culminating in a sequence where hundreds of dragons fly through the sky to wreak havoc on everything. See this movie.
4. Trogdor the Burninator: One of the best things to come out of the internet; Trogdor is a majestic beast, a beautiful animal of unparalleled win, a legendary possessor of draconian unstoppability. He is, in a word: TROG. And also DOR. He is TROGDOR. Much like Tsarist Russia, he carelessly decimates the population of the proletariat, using his S-shaped body and consummate Vs. Though he was once a man, he has since isolated himself from mannish society to become less of a man, and more of a dragon.
5. The Great Red Dragon: For artistic purposes only. This one’s not funny, or really likeable, just terrifying. Whether or not you are Christian, and actually believe in some Satan-figure (personally, I’m not, and don’t, but that’s all for another time), you can’t help but be filled with awe and horror by the Great Red Dragon – I’m referring specifically to a series of paintings, composed in the 1800s by the tortured poet-artist, William Blake (author of The Marriage of Heaven and Hell, or perhaps more famously, that cute poem Tyger, Tyger, Burning Bright which is quoted in Watchmen at some point). Maybe it’s just me, but I think The Great Red Dragon and the Woman Clothed in Sun is just a stunningly scary painting. Mister Blake, congratulations on being so very, very screwed-up.
6. AKU: Did you ever watch Samurai Jack? Well, I did. And it was awesome. Genndy Tartakovsky was the genius behind Dexter’s Laboratory, one of the best cartoons around when I was a kid. He also masterminded Star Wars: The Clone Wars – not the really really crappy 3D movie that came out recently, but the tremendously underrated Cartoon Network miniseries that came out before Revenge of the Sith, in which Yoda single-handedly destroyed a droid army, and General Grievous went on a merciless, lethal, horrific rampage on a childrens’ TV channel. It was great. Anyway, Tartakovsky’s greatest work was Samurai Jack, the cartoon series which netted FOUR Emmy Nominations it was so good. If you haven’t seen, I won’t go into it too much – a samurai from, well, the time of samurai, fights an evil god and, as he’s about to win, gets sent into the distant future. The nameless, Yojimbo-like samurai allows himself to be named Jack and hunts the dark god, who, in the future, is the emperor of everything. The god is also a dragon. A giant. Shapeshifting. Japanese. Empire-controlling. Dragon. Who’s name just means “Evil.”*
*Notes: Three Things that make Aku awesome.
A. In a prequel, full-length special, Birth of Evil, we see Aku’s backstory in a stunning, Emmy-Award-winning mostly sans-dialogue movie. We find that, apparently, Aku is older than the universe, born of a ball of pure evil which threatened to consume the cosmos until VISHNU, ODIN, and RA, the most powerful deities in the universe at the time. They alone can defeat him. Kickass. Also, he is responsible for driving the Dinosaurs to extinction. (watch the trailer here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0RJVzDMd5ac&feature=PlayList&p=DCB4E9425D64F3E6&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=24)
B. Aku has the following abilities: Pyrokinesis, shapeshifting, teleportation, necromancy, healing, the ability to create portals through space and time, ultrasonic screams, and he can turn himself into a space-ship. Kick. Ass.
C. Aku is voiced by the late, great Mako Iwamatsu, arguably the best, most famous Japanese-American actor south of Pat Morita. He won an Oscar, appeared in both Conan the Barbarian movies, as well as Seven Years in Tibet, sung for Stephen Sondheim in Pacific Overtures, and is just awesome. Take that, all other voice actors ever.
D. He has FLAMING EYEBROWS.
E. At one point, to make himself look better in the eyes of Public Opinion, he gathers every child I the universe into one giant room and tells them fairy tales, with himself as the hero. He also outsources Santa Claus.
F. He has an army of robo-insects who bleed oil and resemble the Third Reich.
G. Time portals. Time. Portals.
Moving on…
7. Jormungandr, or The Midgard Serpent: You can’t have a list of dragons and not include something from classical mythology. I say, you can’t have a list of dragons and not include this guy. Jormungandr, better known in Nordic myths as “The Midgard Serpent” is a leviathan-esque dragon-snake-serpent-sea-monster-thing SO HUGE that he in fact encircles the entire planet Earth. This fact alone makes him epic. He is so heavy that a god can’t lift him.
8. Albi the Racist Dragon: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=00uaB51ivXU. That is all.
9. Devon and Cornwall: Mostly for the benefit of my associate, Miss Rossetti, who I know has a soft spot in her heart for the Don Bluth not-classic “Quest for Camelot.” Frankly, it’s not a very good movie, but the voice actors alone put this two-headed, non-fire-breathing, non-flying dragon on this list – Don Rickles and Eric Idle. I mean, c’mon – a hilariously vulgar comedian who was in Casino, and a Monty Python nut responsible for Spamalot? As a dragon? What’s not to love? Besides the shoddy dialogue, weak plot, and bad jokes. But stiiiiilllll. Number 9.
10. Verimathrax Pejorative: Okay, I admit it. This one is mostly for the name. There is no better name for a dragon on this list than “Verimathrax Pejorative.” Anything with “Pejorative.” Especially because you could interpret that name as being “Nonsenseword Ethnicslur” which is even more hilarious. If I ever have a dragon, I’m naming it “Xabraxis Euphemism” or something. Anyway, Verimathrax is the dragon from Dragonslayer, a great 80s fantasy film in the vein of Willow or something like that. Called “the wyrm of Thrace who makes things worse,” Verimathrax is a she-dragon who demands virgin princess sacrifice. She is also really frightening. And the movie’s pretty good. That’s about it.
So, there you have it. Dragons. There are tons more I could’ve mentioned, which I love. Having Smaug on the list cancelled out Eustace Scrubb’s escapades as a dragon in The Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader. Honorable mentions go to Haku (not Aku), the dragon from Miyazaki Miyao’s Spirited Away and the dragons from Naomi Novik’s Temeraire novels, in which dragons provide the air force for the Napoleonic Wars.
On that fire-breathing note;
Very Like a Whale, signing off
Top Ten Most Oedipal Mother's Day Theme Songs
So, in (belated) honor of Mother's day, I give you....
The Ten Most Oedipal Songs For Mother's Day, you bad Mama-jammas.
10. Your Mother Should Know- The Beatles- Yep. Your mother should know. How to please her freudian son, that is....
9. Mother In Law- Ernie K. Doe- Yes, this fifties song isn't necessarily about a blood-relative mom, but still. Kinky.
8. My Mother Was a Chinese Trapeze Artist- The Decemberists-This over the top storysong, filled with frontman Meloy's signature bombast and wailing tenor is a gilded-age crush on Mommy Dearest and her Glory Days if ever my earlugs ever heard one.
7. Rifle- Alela Diane- Anyone who moans that much while invoking their materfamilias has some seriously sapphic motherlovin' goin down. Better get a strap for that "rifle" there, Miss Diane- it frees up your hands ever so much.
6. A Cautionary Song- The Decemberists -The Dismemberists, as I affectionately refer to them, have their own Oedipal issues, clearly. This song, about a mother who supports her child's collard greens habit through, -ahem- let's just say alternative means, is all about the mamma-jammin'. I'd dandle Meloy on my knee, that's for sure.
5. Mama Said- White Ghost Shivers -Well, I don't know what the Shivers' mommas taught them, but the catechism seemed to include some damn sexy old-timey cabaret vibes. Freud told me it reminds him of his glory days at the center of the Wiemar-era party .
4. Mama Said (Knock You Out)- L.L. Cool J- Have you seen this video? His name spells out to "Ladies Love Cool James" and he'd probably be the first to tell you that Momma is a lady, too.
3. Hey Mama- The Black Eyed Peas -What I really don't understand about the faux-hood culture we seem to love as a nation is this weird subconscious oedipalism we all espouse. Why do wannabe hood rats call their shawties "mama?" Is it short for "mama of my moment-of-methy-passion-progeny" or do they all just have a crush on their large-bootied progenitors? Thank Vincent Price for oldies. I can understand the terms of endearment they use, for the most part. Well, maybe not "Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch," but still....
2. Jack Killed Mom- Jenny Lewis-Really, Jenny? Did he? Or is this all an elaborate Shakespearean-style pun on the word "kill?" The mind boggles.
1. Hey Momma- Kay Kay and His Weathered Underground- This is a strangely confessional song to make to your mom. It sounds more like a song you'd make apologizing to a one-night stand, lyrically. So maybe this mysterious and hickishly named Kay Kay has melded madre and misplaced lay into one weary woman?!? Holy Whorey Day Care Center, Batman!
Unlike my esteemed colleagues, I am only highbrow occaisionally, and by accident, at that. I consider myself to be a connoseur of what God's Lonely Man and Very Like A Whale would doubtless deem "low culture" ergo, the writhing, seamy mess that America exports all over this sad world of ours. And so, expect to see a lot of these punning, superficially written pop-culture related lists in future, as well as the usual fare you've come to know and love. I mean, I write what I know, and that might not be much, dear readers.
Happy Oedipus' day.
DG, out.
The Ten Most Oedipal Songs For Mother's Day, you bad Mama-jammas.
10. Your Mother Should Know- The Beatles- Yep. Your mother should know. How to please her freudian son, that is....
9. Mother In Law- Ernie K. Doe- Yes, this fifties song isn't necessarily about a blood-relative mom, but still. Kinky.
8. My Mother Was a Chinese Trapeze Artist- The Decemberists-This over the top storysong, filled with frontman Meloy's signature bombast and wailing tenor is a gilded-age crush on Mommy Dearest and her Glory Days if ever my earlugs ever heard one.
7. Rifle- Alela Diane- Anyone who moans that much while invoking their materfamilias has some seriously sapphic motherlovin' goin down. Better get a strap for that "rifle" there, Miss Diane- it frees up your hands ever so much.
6. A Cautionary Song- The Decemberists -The Dismemberists, as I affectionately refer to them, have their own Oedipal issues, clearly. This song, about a mother who supports her child's collard greens habit through, -ahem- let's just say alternative means, is all about the mamma-jammin'. I'd dandle Meloy on my knee, that's for sure.
5. Mama Said- White Ghost Shivers -Well, I don't know what the Shivers' mommas taught them, but the catechism seemed to include some damn sexy old-timey cabaret vibes. Freud told me it reminds him of his glory days at the center of the Wiemar-era party .
4. Mama Said (Knock You Out)- L.L. Cool J- Have you seen this video? His name spells out to "Ladies Love Cool James" and he'd probably be the first to tell you that Momma is a lady, too.
3. Hey Mama- The Black Eyed Peas -What I really don't understand about the faux-hood culture we seem to love as a nation is this weird subconscious oedipalism we all espouse. Why do wannabe hood rats call their shawties "mama?" Is it short for "mama of my moment-of-methy-passion-progeny" or do they all just have a crush on their large-bootied progenitors? Thank Vincent Price for oldies. I can understand the terms of endearment they use, for the most part. Well, maybe not "Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch," but still....
2. Jack Killed Mom- Jenny Lewis-Really, Jenny? Did he? Or is this all an elaborate Shakespearean-style pun on the word "kill?" The mind boggles.
1. Hey Momma- Kay Kay and His Weathered Underground- This is a strangely confessional song to make to your mom. It sounds more like a song you'd make apologizing to a one-night stand, lyrically. So maybe this mysterious and hickishly named Kay Kay has melded madre and misplaced lay into one weary woman?!? Holy Whorey Day Care Center, Batman!
Unlike my esteemed colleagues, I am only highbrow occaisionally, and by accident, at that. I consider myself to be a connoseur of what God's Lonely Man and Very Like A Whale would doubtless deem "low culture" ergo, the writhing, seamy mess that America exports all over this sad world of ours. And so, expect to see a lot of these punning, superficially written pop-culture related lists in future, as well as the usual fare you've come to know and love. I mean, I write what I know, and that might not be much, dear readers.
Happy Oedipus' day.
DG, out.
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