Parting Shots

Hello again.
In the middle of monumental thunderstorm, I watched The Mummy, and realized that it, and a lot of things I liked, contain hilariously undignified last words. And so...

The 10 Most Undignified Last Words in Film/Literature:

1) "My body is no longer his temple!" and "I WILL resurrect you!" both from The Mummy So, I think these should top the list, mainly because they were the catalysts for it. Both of these are said hilariously, in ridiculous fake Ancient Egyptian with lots of tongue-clucking and hard consonants. Here's what happens: A ratfaced girl and a bald man make out in the intro. He smudges her gold body paint, and the eunuchs tremble. In comes the Pharaoh, who looks betrayedly at ratface and cue-ball, before they stab him. As swarthy (man, I love that word) guards come to take the two killers away, both these last words are uttered, and they are hilarious.

2) "... and then aaaaaaaaagggggggggghhhhhhhhh...." from Monty Python and the Holy Grail So, this is on a wall. And it's typically Monty Python nonsequitur and anticlimax and silliness and I really can't be highbrow about it, since it consistently makes me laugh. Still, though. Undignified for the Monk.

3) "All was well." from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
This is the last sentence of the book that made my childhood, and I have never felt so betrayed in my life. Even the most devout Potterite would have to agree that the epilogue (and the last book in general, to a lesser degree) was badly written, predictable, and cheesy as hell. This felt like she was forced into writing it, and I felt all the more duped for reading it. Worst last words ever.

4) "Man hands on misery to man. It deepens like a coastal shelf. Get out as early as you can, and don't have any kids yourself." Count Olaf's dying words in A Series of Unfortunate Events
In my brief turn as a reviewer of Children's Books, I had to read this entire series, and not even quoting Phillip Larkin (a favourite poet) can make Count Olaf, his death, and his last words seem any more respectable. This death was maybe four books late, but the entire series overstayed its welcome ridiculously, marketing its particular brand of self-aware gothic-lite to kids around the globe.

5) "And I would've gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling kids and your lousy dog!!" Every Villain Ever from Scooby Doo
This one should go without saying. Scooby Doo is like a catechism- it always ends the same way, with these last words, usually after the face part of the villain's suit has been removed, unmasking them. Undignified, but as American as Apple Pie.

6) "Cash...you. Cash!" Addie from As I Lay Dying
So, when I read this, it was really hard (even though I knew better) to not imagine these last words being said by Biggie Smalls. Tell me you understand, dear readers.

7) "I'm Cold" Snowden from Catch-22
Where are the Snowdens of Yesteryear?!

8) "The Horror! The Horror!" Mr. Kurz from Heart of Darkness
This exclamation arguably describes the entire book.

9) "Fly, you fools!" Gandalf/Mithrandir/Greyhame/Stormcrow/The Grey/The White in the Fellowship of the Ring
So, when I read these books as a kid, I was really annoyed at this. Gandalf, a wizard of huge power (and lots and lots of names) gets pulled down to hell by this big hairy elemental aberration, pretty much. And seriously? "Fly, you fools!" Come on.

10) "Corn Nuts!!" Heather Chandler in Heathers
So, she gets fed Drain Cleaner as a hangover cure, and these are her last words. She may be a class-A highschool Mephistopheles, but seriously, Veronica and JD. Well, I guess we couldn't gag her with a spoon.

DG, out like my neighbors' power.